"You've gotta come out of the basement, Julia. Get out of bed and get dressed. Get something to eat, go outside." Ellen said, standing by her bed.
"Leave me alone." Julia groaned. "Just leave me alone."
"You're wasting your time down here hiding, Julia. I know it's hard. Every girl goes through this. The first time is the hardest."
"Leave me alone."
"This is no way to live, Julia."
"Then leave me die." Julia answered sadly.
"You don't mean that." Ellen replied.
"Leave me alone. I'll be out when I want to come out."
Ellen left , climbing the steps to the first floor.
Jayson woke early as usual. He ran to the track at Mav West and worked out with Hayley. Her weight had started to drop and she slimmed fast. The more she worked out, the faster she got and she was able to keep up with Jay as he ran laps. Hayley learned early on that they run in silence. Jay wasn't a talker during his run, so she'd put in her ear buds and listen to music to motivate her. She noticed Jay had deviated off the track, but she kept going. As she ran she watched him as he stopped and started talking to Andy, Julia's step brother. It wasn't a long conversation, but it was a conversation that cut their workout short. Jay told her to keep going. He'd talk to her later.
"What did he want, Jay?" Hayley asked.
She received no reply as Jay continued his run off the track and away from her. Hayley opted not to follow him.
"I know I probably shouldn't have come to you, but if it helps her out of whatever she's going through, then I want to help her." Andy told him.
"She's not doing good?" Jay asked. "I talked to her yesterday, but she cut me off."
"Well, she won't get outta bed. She won't come out of her room. She won't eat with us, but I think she comes upstairs after everyone goes to bed."
"And you think the baby will snap her out of it?" Jay asked as he stopped with Andy to unlock the front door.
"I think it'll give her a reason. My mom said she wants to die."
"I didn't know, Andy."
"She's not gonna tell you that." Andy told him. "She won't talk to anyone. She won't talk to your brother either."
"He's not my brother anymore."
Andy followed Jay into his house. It was dark and cool inside. Jay gathered up a bag and put some clothes inside for Tatia, tucked some of her favorite toys inside as well. She was awake, he heard her and Alex upstairs watching TV in the bedroom.
Jay lifted her out of the crib and got her dressed. He told Alex he'd be back in an hour. Jay got the umbrella stroller from the kitchen, then he told his grandmother he'd be back in an hour.
They took the bus to Mav West rather than walk in the summer heat. Jay and Andy talked on the bus, Jay tried explaining the situation, but Andy didn't want explanations. He wanted action. He needed someone to prove that they cared and he believed that Jay was that person. She hadn't seen the kids in a month. The longer that went on, the worse Julia felt. She wanted to go there and see them, but didn't want to see Jayson. She needed her space from him. She needed to be without him.
Andy walked him to the house that he'd never been inside. He released Tatia from her stroller, but she was nervous about going inside with Andy. She was clingy with Jay despite the fact Julia was inside, somewhere.
"Just come inside." Andy finally said. Jay scooped her up and they went in with her bag. Ellen sat at the kitchen table as they came in. She was surprised to see the lot of them together.
"What are you two doing?" Ellen asked curiously.
Andy turned to his mom." Getting Julia out of bed."
Andy opened the basement door and head down the steps. He turned the light switch on as he descended the stairs. Jay followed with Tatia, setting her on the floor at the bottom of the steps. Tatia walked around the room till she got to the bed, finding Julia by her red hair. She climbed up and crawled on top of her, which got her attention.
"Hey, baby girl." Julia smiled, giving her a hug. She sat up and looked over to Jay and Andy.
Jay walked across the room and set the bag of Tatia's stuff on her bed. "Bring her home when you're ready. If you need anything let me know."
"Ok, I will." Julia nodded. "Where's Alex?"
"Home, you want him too?" Jay asked.
"Well, yeah." She answered, looking at Andy.
"How about you two hang out today and I'll bring Alex by tomorrow. Cool?"
"Yeah, that's good. Fine. Yes." Julia nodded, letting Tatia go. Julia got out of her bed and followed the baby as she looked around the room. The corner caught her attention with some toys and books she'd already had there for her.
Jay and Andy left the girls, climbing the steps. Tatia seemed comfortable down there with Julia.
"Well?" Ellen asked as they came out of the basement.
"Well, she's up." Andy told her.
He walked Jay to the door, took the umbrella stroller from him. Before he left he agreed to bring Alex in the morning.
Jay returned home on the bus. He would have a few days off from the kids. Julia would have a purpose again other than wallowing in her depression. That would also open up a line of communication between them, Jay hoped. He spent his day with Alex, playing ball and hanging out like guys. They played Xbox and talked about girls even though girls weren't a big priority to his brother yet. Alex was more interested in Xbox. Jay was glad to have the time just with Alex. Tatia usually took up such a big part of his day. It was good giving time to Alex and not having to share that time with Tatia. He told Alex that he could go to Julia's the next day to spend time with her too.
"Why did you break up with her?"
"Sometimes people break up when they don't get along."
"It's because you get along with Hayley and not Julia. I don't like Hayley." Alex said.
"You know Hayley, Alex. Why don't you like her?"
"She doesn't treat us like Julia does."
"Julia is different from Hayley. And because we don't hang out anymore, doesn't mean you guys have to stop seeing her. Julia misses you and wants to hang out with you."
"Good, can I go now then?"
"It's almost time for bed." Jay answered.
"I can sleep there. Why can't I sleep there? You're taking me in the morning anyway. So just take me now. You already packed my bag, Jay."
"You really wanna go now, Alex?"
He nodded, "Yeah. I'll get my flip flops on."
Jay took Alex to Julia's house. Ellen left them down the basement, happy to see them, telling Jay that Julia had a great day with Tatia. Jay and Alex found the girls sitting on the bed in pajamas, watching SpongeBob. Snacks surrounded them. "Hey, bud. Come sit." Julia told Alex. "Welcome to girls' night."
Jay watched them a moment. He set Alex's bag on the floor beside Tatia's bag. He left without saying a word.
Jay left Julia's and head to Hayley's house. The lights were on in the back yard around the pool. Music was playing. Jay walked to the side of the pool and leaned on the four foot edge. Hayley saw him, looked a bit surprised, but swam toward him. Her wet hair back over her head, pretty blue eyes gazing at him. "What's up, Jay? What are you doing here?" She asked, standing in the water in front of him.
"Hayley, I can't see you anymore." He said. "I don't want to see you anymore."
"Jay, wait."
"Good bye, Hay."
Jay turned and walked out of her yard. As he heard the kitchen door slide open, someone walking onto the deck, voices speaking low in the yard. Jay stepped back through the gate and observed Chess by the pool, sitting on the edge of the deck with his feet in the water. "Is he gone?" He asked as he sat.
"Yeah, he's gone." Hayley said, swimming to the deck, hoisting herself up to sit beside him.
"Sorry, Hayley." Chess said, "He's gonna love her no matter what. It's not you."
"It's princess, Julia. It's always what she wants and what she needs. Even though she was gone and out of our lives for a few weeks, she was still there. Still between us, Chess." Hayley paused. "You got what you came for right?"
"Yeah, I got my shit. I'll see you around." Chess said, pulling his feet out of the water. He dried them off with a towel before putting his socks and shoes on. He grabbed his bag, finally having retrieved his stuff from his ex. He walked out of the yard and into his cousin who waited for him out front.
"I'm not fucking your girlfriend, if that's what you're thinking." Chess said sarcastically. "Just like I wasn't fucking your last girlfriend."
"Chess, I'm sorry for all this."
"Fuck you, Jay."
"You could talk to me, Chess. I want to talk to you. I have tried to talk to you."
"I don't want to hear anything you gotta say. I talked to Julia. I know what happened."
"Chess, we're family. I don't want it to be like this."
"Then you shouldn't have fucked my girlfriend." Chess said, walking past him. "And by the way, you and me, we aren't family anymore."
"Chess, I broke it off with her." Jay told him, following him.
"So what? Like I'd even take her back. I wouldn't even think about it." Chess said, turning to face him. "And unless you want another broken fucking face, I suggest you stop and go the other way."
Jay didn't pursue the issue or Chess any further.
For the first time in a very long time, he felt totally alone in the world. Only this time he had no one to blame but himself. For the first time ever, he thought about taking his own life. He had ruined his family. His actions broke everything apart. As Jay walked down Green Street to his grand mom's house, he glanced at the wood at the end of the street. He thought a minute about going there, digging up the lock box. The gun is right there, he thought. If I was gone, no one would notice or care. He opened a wound with Julia and Chess, the people that were closest to him. If he hadn't messed around with Hayley, he'd never have known about his brother and Julia. He would have been oblivious to it all. He liked the idea of oblivion. Jay passed the house and edged closer to the wood. He'd nearly made it there when he got a text from Julia.
-thanks for bringing the kids, Jay.
-ur welcome
-i was in a bad place in my head. thinking the wrong things, thinking very dark things.
-kids asleep?
-yes
-do you need anything
-not now, no. i'm going to watch the kids sleep till i fall asleep. busy day 2mrw
-k. gn
Jay turned from his trek toward the wood. He went home to his quiet and virtually empty house. He played some Xbox, got a shower, and as he was about to pop the last 2 Percocet he had in his pill bottle he heard a noise from upstairs. He set the bottle on the kitchen counter, then head up to check out what the noise was. It sounded like someone had fallen. He checked his grand mom's room first. He knocked, then turned the knob, it was locked. He banged on the door, before breaking it in. Once inside he found her laying on the floor motionless, her face blue. She wasn't moving.
"Fuck," Jay swore.
He reached for the phone on her table next to the bed then called 911. Jay checked for a pulse, he felt none. He breathed for her a couple times, watching her chest rise and fall. He explained to the 911 operator what was happening, then set down the phone, leaving it off the hook. He started pressing on her chest like he had learned in Health class. He pressed till her ribs fractured beneath the weight of him and even then he continued. When the medics arrived, they took over by placing a tube in her throat and breathing for her. The monitor said she had a rhythm. He had brought her back the medic said, making him cease chest compressions. "She's back, kiddo. Good job."
The police officer pulled him aside and took him downstairs. "Where's your parents, Jayson?"
"Really?" He asked. "She's my grandmom."
"I know, where's your mom?"
"In jail."
"Your dad?"
"That's funny, ask my mom." Jay answered.
"What I need to know who do you need to call to make medical decisions? An adult."
"Aunt Sandy."
Sandy met Jay at the emergency room entrance. He'd waited outside because the ER was freaking him out. Sandy arrived and went inside with him to the back where her mother, his grandmother, lay on a hospital gurney. They were in the middle of doing their work up, she lay intubated and heavily sedated to prevent her from pulling out the tube in her throat. She'd already tried twice. Initially the lab work pointed to a heart arrhythmia that caused the heart to stop beating. She was transferred to the cardiac ICU for monitoring.
"What happened Jay?"
"I was gonna go to bed. I heard her fall. I went upstairs and I found her. She didn't have a pulse and she wasn't breathing. I brought her back. And here we are." He explained.
"Where are the kids?"
"With Julia."
"Is she here?"
"No, she's had Tatia all day and I took Alex over tonight."
"Well, you're coming home with me tonight. We'll stop by and get your-"
"No, I'm not. I'll be ok at home."
"Jay, you don't know how long she's going to be here and you're coming with me."
Jay crashed on the sofa when they got to the house around 4am. He was woken up at 9 by Chess asking his dad why Jay was asleep in the living room. Uncle John explained why, then demanded he call a truce. "Enough of this, Chester. No girl is worth this drama. And there are a million other ones where she came from. There are girls and then there's easy girls. You don't want an easy one."
"This is bullshit. Where's mom?"
"The whole story is bullshit. You're all lying, dirty, selfish whores. One is just as bad as the other." Ray said from his seat at the kitchen table where he ate his cereal. "I'm glad I am not involved in this." He added, shaking his head.
"You're mother is back at the hospital. And she doesn't need to hear you guys complaining anymore. You all need to let this go." Uncle John said. "10 years from now, none of this will matter. All of you will be with different people and this will be a memory."
"10 years."
"Deal with it now. Make it right or it will never go away."
Jay felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. Hayley was pissed he didn't show up for the run at Mav West. He ignored her. -where are you- she asked again.
I'm in hell, Jay thought, deleting the text.
Jay got up from the couch then went home. They were too busy arguing in the kitchen to notice he'd left.
After 3 days, dad told Julia the kids needed to go home. When Tatia woke from her nap, she took the kids to the park. She watched them run and play for a couple hours, then walked the Square and bought Icee's to cool off. Back at Jay's house no one was home. Julia let herself in with her key. The house was dark and hot.
"Where are they, Julia?"
"I don't know." She answered Alex as they stood in the hall. They looked at the broken bedroom door. "I'll get hold of your brother and find out. Let's go back down stairs."
Julia turned the air on to cool the house down, got the kids their baths and changed into pajamas. Julia made them fish sticks and tater tots for supper and while they ate started cleaning the house up. She'd never seen it such a mess. And where was Jay? He didn't answer her text message. He didn't answer the phone when she called him. She went to voice mail. What the hell happened? She wondered.
The hours passed, Julia tucked the kids in bed, read them a story as she usually did. She turned their fan on and left the night light on. Julia called home and let Ellen know where she was, that she couldn't get hold of Jay. She was staying with the kids.
Julia showered, put on one of Jay's Nike tees and started laundry.
Jay came home, surprised to see her there. He walked into a cool, clean house with a pretty girl waiting on him and sleeping kids. That's all he wanted in life. Simple as that. No more and no less. "Phone's dead." He told her, plugging it in to the charger.
"You ok? What the hell happened upstairs?"
Jay sat next to her on the floor where she paired up socks and folded clothes. He helped her fold while he replayed the scene that unfolded a few days before. Sandy wanted him at her house, but he didn't feel welcome there. The days that had passed he spent either at the hospital, Sandy's and Mr G's at night.
"How is your grandmom, Jay?"
"In a coma. They put her in one, it's called medically induced. They're going to bring her out of it in the morning and see how she does. I broke a lot of ribs, plus she has pneumonia, so her lungs are shit. They tried to take her out a couple times, but she couldn't come off the ventilator. The docs told Sandy that if she didn't come out of it soon, more permanent decisions will need to be explored."
"Permanent like what?"
"They'll tell us tomorrow."
The laundry folded and in the basket, Jay kicked off his shoes and socks.
"Thanks for all this, taking care of me. You didn't have to."
"It needed to be done, Jay." Julia shrugged. "I think it's what I do best. Take care of people."
"You are good at making sure we're taken care of. You like know what we need before we need it." Jay told her. "I wish I knew what you need before you need it."
"There's no way to know that, Jay."
"Andy said you want to die."
"No, it wasn't like that. I didn't care if I lived or died. But I wasn't going to do anything stupid."
"What did you guys do for three days?" Jay asked.
"Other than eat and hang out and play and watch TV and play ball and run and go to the park. Not much."
"I Missed them."
"You could have come by, you could have called or got them."
"And I told you to bring them home when you were ready. It wasn't about me. It was about you, Julia. It's all about you. It's always about you. Everything and every thought and...it's about you."
Julia stared at him, "Hayley, was she about me too?"
"No, that was about me." Jay answered. "I broke it off with her. After I dropped the kids off. I went over her house and broke up with her."
"Why?"
"Cause your pain is because I am with her. That if you were like that, the way I saw you when I dropped of Tatia, because of me and her, then I couldn't do it anymore. Even if I'm not with you, I won't do anything ever again to hurt you. Then I can be free of this horrible guilt I feel." Jay paused. "I did that without knowing about you and my brother. I didn't have a clue. I trusted you without even thinking about it."
"Me too. I trusted you without even thinking about it, never doubting you would hurt me like that. It's all just over though, Jay. Tavin's in Pittsburgh and Hayley is wherever the fuck Hayley is. I'm going to always be here for the kids. I can't believe I let them go for so long. I feel so bad about that. Facing you only would have made it worse, Jay."
"What was it about Tavin? Because I want to forgive him."
"Jay, I don't-"
"I do." Jay said, raising his voice.
"He listened to me."
"I listen to you. What made you take your clothes off and get in bed with him?"
"What made me get into bed with you that first time? I guess it was the same thing. Can you put a word to what that feels like?" I wanted it. He wanted it. We wanted it. And we wanted a lot of it...she thought.
Julia got up and threw the clothes in the dryer. "Hey they'll be done soon. Then I'll go."
"It's late, Jules. Just crash here. I don't want you out this late alone."
"Jay, I'll be fine." She called from the laundry room.
"Nope. Which do you want? The couch or the bed?" He asked, gathering a change of clothes.
"Couch."
Julia settled on the sofa, covering with a throw and watching Law and Order: SVU. She'd moved Jay's fan into the back porch and turned it on to keep him cool. He came downstairs, disappeared to his bed. Julia spent the first half of the TV show debating in her head whether or not to hook up with Jay. It'd be so easy just to call his name, but why would he even want to or care? Why should she? She cautioned herself against letting her feelings lead her around. She told herself to stop, keep her mouth shut. Mind her own business. But he lay alone so close. This is why she avoided him. This is why she didn't want any kind of contact with him the last month. Julia got up and went into the laundry room for her clothes. She couldn't be near Jay thinking like she was still his girlfriend, like she still had any claim to him, like she even mattered like that to him anymore.
"Jules, what the hell are you doing?"
"Getting the clothes out of the dryer."
"If you wanna leave, call your dad. I can't let you leave here by yourself."
"I don't wanna leave, but doesn't this feel weird?" She asked, folding the clothes from the dryer and placing them in the basket.
"What's so weird about it?" Julia stood in his doorway looking through the darkness into his room. She could make out his silhouette laying on the mattress. "You slept here a hundred times, Jules."
"Yeah, you're right. At least a hundred times." She agreed.
"Are we gonna do this all night? You stand there and I keep guessing till I figure you out?"
"No, Jay. God. I-I..."
"Do you wanna smoke, Julia? You need to chill the fuck out."
Jay turned on his lamp and pulled a joint from the shelf above his bed. They stood in the porch doorway, sharing the joint. Jay pointed out that she was wound up tight, skittish, nervous. Jay had that effect on her. She found herself fumbling over her words and thoughts. Inside she knew what she wanted to say and do, but getting that out so it made sense was difficult. She was unsure if she wanted to. She was tired of acting a certain way with him. There was only one way she knew how to be with Jay and that was close and touching. Deviating into new territory she wasn't sure how to behave with him in the friend zone.
"Better?" Jay asked, taking her hand and pulling her back inside.
"Much. Yes." She replied. She stood in front of him on the step up into the kitchen. Standing there she was nearly as tall as he was. "So, we're really just friends now?" She asked, putting her hands on his shoulders.
"If that's what you want." He replied, placing his hands on her hips.
"What do you want, Jay?"
"I can't believe all of this has been for nothing... to lose it all because of some stupid shit we both did."
"We can't make promises we won't keep, Jay. How are we supposed to trust each other?"
"I'm not talking you into anything, Julia. I can't. You have to think about what you want. When you figure it out, then-" Jay moved his hands from her hips and backed away from her. He laid back down on his bed. "I'm not doing this all night. I won't. I'm done talking."
"Even though there's still things to talk about?"
"There's tomorrow, then the next day."
Julia stepped into the porch, sat on the edge of his bed. She held his hand in hers. She made herself comfortable next to him, still holding onto his hand. She had to hold on to something.
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