Chapter 17 Not Now, But Eventually

Julia walked the short path to the door, opened it and let herself in. Jay was knocked out on the sofa, a fan stood at the side of the couch. He stirred, but was high on Percocet. Julia leaned over him, touching his bandage over the bridge of his nose. She fetched a bag of frozen peas from his freezer, wrapped it in a hand towel and placed it on his forehead.

"I thought you were done taking care of me." He said, sitting up as he held the ice pack to his forehead.

"Old habits are hard to break." She shrugged, taking a seat beside him. She took his hand. "We need to talk, Jay."

"So talk."

"First I wanna say I'm sorry. I went too far and I should not have put my hands on you." Julia apologized. "Thanks for not having me arrested."

"Hayley's mom called the cops." Jay said, adjusting the peas on his forehead. "And the ambulance. I spent the morning in the ER while they tortured me, realigned my nose and fed me Jell-O. On the up side they hit me up with some really good morphine through the IV that was in my arm."

"Jay, I can't say sorry enough and the second time was a complete accident."

"I know. I accept your apology." He told her. "What do you want, Julia?"

"We should do what we always do. Talk. Lay it all out there, everything. No secrets and go from there."

"Can you do that? I can. I don't have a problem with you knowing everything."

"Well, I think I can, but some things I say may hurt you."

"Can I get any more hurt than I already am? You know, after everything that happened yesterday and all the pain and drama I went through, the only thing I could think about was you being with some other guy."

"Some other guy? Well, join the club cause all I could think about was you laying up with fat Hayley."

"Who was he, Julia? I deserve to know."

She argued. "I over stepped boundaries with him. It was totally mutual and he shouldn't be punished for it. It was my decision."

"I like that you're owning up, Julia, but this is not total honesty, it's not laying it all out there."

"It was New Years weekend, Jay." Julia answered. "And the day we all went to see your mom in jail."

Jay was quietly thinking. Julia knew he'd put two and two together, if he thought long enough. He said nothing for a long while, but he did let go of her hand. He had tears coming down his cheeks, he cried without making a noise. "Truck night."

"I love him, Jay." She whispered. "Not more than you, but different than you. At first it was just chatting on face book, then it was texting, then both. We talk on the phone every night. I haven't seen him since he drove away."

"I thought it was Chess."

"Hayley knew. She went through my phone. Found out after New Years, but before truck night. Initially I broke things off with him. I stopped talking to him and hadn't till we went to see Karen. Then we picked up from truck night. But I haven't seen him since then."

Jay got up and went outside. "I need air." He said, as he threw the ice pack on the floor. Julia followed him as he walked away, down Green Street, past her house with its new tenants. Jay stood where Caleb's house once stood. The place had been razed and leveled. A flat empty space left in that spot.

"We, you and me, haven't been right since that night, Julia."

"I can't change it, Jay. I know you blame me. I know you felt put in a spot for me. And I appreciate everything you did and what you have gone through for me."

"But you don't listen to me. It doesn't matter if you think you and I did the right thing. You know it. And there's no room for any argument or any opinion that differs from yours."

"I can't handle it, Jay. I have to think that we did the right thing and stand by that choice. If I don't, he wins. If I don't, then it means that what I went through meant nothing. It felt good, Jayson, and maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe he had an effect on me that I am not aware of yet, but that whole thing changed me."

"I don't blame you. I know he shoulders the blame. I know he was wrong and what he did was evil. I know right from wrong, and hindsight is 20/20. We should have left and called the police. That was the right thing to do. What we did brought us to his level. We played God, Jules. It wasn't right."

"But it was right!" Julia yelled. "No one forced you to do anything that night. Or any of you. You made a choice that you can't go back on. God, Jay. I am so tired of explaining this to you."

"But there's no fucking room for us to explain it to you."

"Us? You mean you and her." Julia asked. "How dare you side with her?"

"I'm not siding with anyone, but I understand her."

"Would you kill for her? For Tatia? Alex?"

"Yes." He answered without hesitating.

"Then how dare you even look back and think you did the wrong thing? Falling for her drama. Dammit, I told you that night we all sat and looked at those books she was bullshit. Fucking drama queen. After they left and after all that and she was fine. Jay, I talked to her. I felt her out. She played you. And you fucking fell for it."

"It's not like that, Julia. She's hurting."

"Fuck her." She yelled. "Why didn't you tell me? There's nothing you can't tell me. You don't think I would have been there for you? After all we have been through?"

"You would have been pissed."

"But I would have had a choice. I didn't get a choice."

"What choice did I have when you were in bed with my brother, Julia?" Jay asked. "What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that I had a connection with this guy. This wonderful, funny, smart, lovable guy. It just happened, Jay. No thoughts, no doubts, no fears. It didn't feel wrong till after it was over and the only part that felt wrong was cutting him out of my life." She explained. "God, I feel horrible for this, but I love him. I thought about leaving with him. When he left I missed him. When he left, he took my heart with him. He still fucking has it. Can you say the same?"

"Why did you fucking stay then? Why didn't you just go?"

"Because of you, Alex and Tatia." Julia answered. "Jay, he's all the same things to me that you are. I didn't want to leave you alone. You needed me."

"And now? I still need you. I still love you. This is tearing me apart."

"I still love you, Jayson, that hasn't changed. You're my first everything. My love, my lover, my rock, my friend. If I didn't have you, I would have lost my fucking mind."

"But what you say and how you act are two different things."

"You too, Jayson."

"Were we together because we had no one else?"

"And we found other people that we connect with on a whole different level?"

Jay took Julia's hand and walked back to his house. They sat on the steps for a long while without saying a word, sitting there crying the both of them. Julia couldn't take it anymore. She got up and kissed his forehead. "Bye, Jay."

He didn't let go of her hand, didn't want to let go of her hand. He stood and pulled her into his arms, holding her a moment. He put his chin on her head. She could feel his tears dropping on her. "I don't hate you, babe. We'll get through this. Not now, but eventually."