Chapter 6- Home

The sun hadn't peeked from beneath its blanket of darkness. Up with the birds and again up before anyone he knew, he lay wrapped up in Julia. God, she was warm. Even though she smelled like she'd been in a 4 alarm fire, she still smelled good. Jay waited till sun up to move. Running in pitch darkness through the woods was not his idea of a fun workout. That was akin to running for your life in a horror movie. He tried not to stir her as he sneaked from the sleeping bag, but she did anyway. He encouraged her to go back to sleep.

Jay stretched in the cool air. Why can't I ever sleep? He lamented. For as long as he could remember, sleep considered him an enemy. He spent nights as a child awake and hiding in a closet, maybe that's why? Jay didn't like being alone in his memories of his childhood. He wasn't abused as much as he was neglected and forced to witness obscenities that no child should witness. Fuck you, Karen Keller.

Jay went running, took the scenic route as there was no track within miles of the cabin. He couldn't escape thoughts of his mom, though. Maybe Cal was right, give her a chance. Another chance. She'd hacked his life into a million pieces, but another chance? The older he got the fewer chances she received. He believed her less and doubted her more. The hope was fading to have a real life with her.

He had to head back. Grab breakfast. Clean up. Pack up and go home. Relieve Deb. Send her home and take over for her with the monsters. He missed them for a fleeting minute, but realized what lay in wait for him. He wondered how their night was, were they ok? Did Deb have any trouble with them?

He jogged through the trees and back around the Lake to the cabin. Julia was helping his uncles set up breakfast, laying out plates and plastic wear. Her crazy hair was all over the place, she kept brushing it away from her face. He pulled the beanie cap off his head and placed it on hers. "Thanks, " She said, straightening it out. "Have you seen my bandana?"

"Nope. It's on your chair isn't it?"

"Well, it's gone, Jay." She frowned. She was saddened, thinking it had come untied and somehow made it into the fire.

"It'll turn up, babe, don't worry. "

Julia helped settle Alex and Tatia into bed. Grandmom went upstairs to her room early with her bible and her water. The house quieted in half the time having some help. Bath time turned into something resembling an assembly line. One washing then drying. One dressing and tucking in. The little ones room was upstairs. Usually Jay crashed on the sofa or the makeshift room he'd created on the back porch. It was closed in and as private as he could get. He didn't want to be crammed into the bedroom with the kids. Who really needed privacy anyway? He left Julia upstairs with the kids.  Usually bedtime and bath time turned into pandemonium. God forbid one of them was sick on top of it. But Julia made bedtime run smoothly. He stood at the foot of the stairs, listening to her read to them. They never sat still long enough for him to read anything. In fact most nights he let them wind down and fall asleep wherever and would carry them to their beds. Julia and his grandmom both believed Alex was way too old for that. He agreed to save himself the grief of hearing them direct him more. He did the best he could and it was not easy.

The people around him helped as much as they could. His friends accepted the little ones. His friends he considered family. When Tati came home from the hospital, his friends were there 24/7. They did homework and burped and fed and changed, brought Tati gifts, clothed her. They did more than her own mother did. Grandmom put a roof over their heads and did as much of the care as she could. Jay was lost in the beginning. He never had hands on care for a newborn before and there were times he wanted to give up, but his friends were there and made his family their family.

Jay turned away from the stairs, heading to the back, turning off lights as he went. He flicked on the space heater and sat on his bed. His book was out, laying on the floor in front of the TV stand. He picked it up and flipped through it. Deb must have been looking at it. Who else would have been rummaging through is room, his stuff? He scanned the newspaper article, glancing over words like 'young mother',' drug paraphernalia' , 'endangering the welfare of a child'. I am the child, Jay thought. Karen Keller's children. 'Found in deplorable conditions', 'children hiding in the closet', 'prostitution', he scanned over till he couldn't any more.

The fucking closet, he mumbled to himself.

"What?" Julia asked sitting next to him on the bed. "What closet?"

He showed Julia the book. He held the article out for her to read. She was silent. "Oh, my." She stuttered. "I remember that."

"How do you remember this? We were kids."

"Cause it's the first time you lived here. With Tavin."

"Yeah, Tavin." Jay sighed. His older brother.

"You wanna talk about him?" Julia asked. " I remember he was so...bad. Your grandmom, all she did was yell at him."

"Jules, do you know what we saw? Have any idea what we saw?" He asked, shaking his head. "That fucking closet. Locked from the outside. She locked us in there, Julia. While she got high and-" He closed the notebook. He tucked it on the shelf above the bed.

"Where do you think Tavin is now? It's been so long since I saw him."

"Juvie last I heard." He answered. "I really don't know."

"You miss him?"

"Yeah, he's my brother." Jay answered quickly. "I know him. Everyone else thinks they know him. He handled it different.  It affected him different. I think he shielded me from a lot of what was going on. He created this little world inside that fucking closet. He made it an adventure. He was older, y'know."

" I know he was an angry kid. "

" I could find him, but I'm scared what I'll find." He admitted. "One day he'll show up. He'll hang out, create a mess and then walk away. Like fuckin' Karen."

"Maybe he's with your dad."

Jay started laughing. "His dad isn't my dad."

"Oh..." Julia said.

"Who's my dad? Really, Julia. Who is he? I mean which one got her pregnant?" He asked, getting angry. "At some point she wound up on her back with an indian chief."

"Jay, I didn't mean..."

" Fuck it, Julia." He said. "I am so fucking tired of this shit. I am tired of taking care of everyone and at least you are here and...I'm pissed the fuck off. It's not fucking fair. I feel like I am one day away from losing my fucking shit."

"Jay, you know I got your back and so does everyone else. I am right here and I always will be. I can't take away your pain, but I can be the best friend and best girlfriend to you. I know you got a lot going on. You are such a good fucking guy. You deserve so much, babe."

"It's actually pretty good right now, we got a roof over our head and she gets some money for taking us in. I have a place I can call home. I got people that I love and a family that helps me. I get tired of always needing help. I am not helpless."

"Look, you gotta have faith that everything will be ok. Without that, you're screwed. You have to have something to get you through the night and into the next day."

"Julia, you are the only person that doesn't need a fucking thing from me. You know everything about me and this fucked up life and you still want me in yours. "

"Jay, I need you around as much as you need me. You walked me through my mom's death and you look after me. You're like my guardian angel, y'know. You accept all the parts of me that I don't even like. When I am my ugliest or my lamest or fattest or bleeding or bitchy. You're there thinking it's just great."

They sat still a moment. The silence was interrupted by Julia's cell ringing. Her dad calling. She answered, "Yeah. A half hour. Ok."

"Thanks for helping with the kids."

"You're welcome. Anytime. I love them."

"Lights out?"

"Hell yeah lights out. You got no curtains." She smiled. "I got a half hour."

Julia flipped the light switch and closed the kitchen door.

Caleb Downing sat in the truck on the far end of Green Street. Julia and the boy had gone inside the house with their bags and sleeping bags rolled up under their arms. A two hour drive, he had finally arrived. He'd driven farther away than he planned. In fact, he'd almost given up and stopped following them when they suddenly exited the turnpike. He was running low on gas and eventually would have had to get off their tail to refuel. They lived in a small town. The houses he'd seen earlier with the first few kids they'd dropped off lived better off. These houses on Green Street, run down. His Julia lived here. Or she lived somewhere near here. He hadn't ascertained that yet.

She sure was pretty. She'd be proud to be on his arm one day. He'd make her life worth living. He watched the house a while longer. The door opened and she emerged with a baby on her hip. A baby. That threw him a bit. He hadn't expected her to have a child. The boy followed Julia and the baby outside and they walked down the street away from the house. He stayed put in his truck. They'd return. Eventually. He was momentarily satisfied knowing where she lived. From all appearances they were a couple with a child. He learned in his life that appearances change. Hopefully so, he didn't want a family. Just Julia.

He'd nearly missed her as he dozed off in the truck. They emerged from the front door of the dark house that he'd thought was hers. They walked two doors down and stood making out under the street light a few minutes till they separated and she climbed the steps to her own house.  A sense of relief overcame him as he realized the baby was not hers and she did not live with this boyfriend of hers. He watched as she went inside the house. The boy as he returned to his own house. 

A light turned on inside Julia's house toward the back. He got out of his truck and walked down the grass path beside her house in the darkness. He stood outside the window and peeked through a slit in the blind. He could see a slice of a poster on the wall, he heard the TV on and muffled voices from behind the closed window. Her body passed the window. He made this visit short, though, returning to the truck. He needed food and fuel. A plan. He needed out of the truck, a place to lay his head. He needed to make some money as he was low on cash. He had time on his hands.