Out of sight out of mind. As the weeks passed, the guilt and depression were suffocating. She didn't feel any less shameful for her behavior with Tavin, but she walked through the shame and held her head up. She also started taking time for herself, even if that time was in complete solitude. She no longer went to Jay's after school. She no longer took care of the kids after school, rather she went before Jay went to work and watched the kids. She readied the girl for bed and made sure baths were done. After they settled in for the night, Julia left. If it happened to be before he got home from work, then she didn't hang around waiting for him.
Julia settled them in to bed, read them both a story while listening to Tatia repeating her desire for a bottle.
"Lay down, lil girl. No more Baba. You are too darn old."
"Just give her a bottle, Julia." Alex whined. "She'll never shut up about it."
"Remember what I said, Alex?"
"About the united front?"
"Yep, if one of us gives in to her demands, then she rules us, and we can't have that."
"Cause she's not in charge here."
"That's right, baby boy."
"Who is in charge here?"
"Well, babe, that's me right now. When your brother comes home, then he's in charge."
"Are you mad at my brother?"
"Nope, why?"
"I heard him talking to Chess on the phone. He said you're mad at him." Alex said. "If you and him break up, we're never going to see you again?"
"Alex, we are not breaking up and I am not mad at Jayson. I promise you I am not going anywhere." Julia told him. "I love you guys with everything I got."
"I love you too, Julia."
"OK, go to sleep. Sweet dreams. I'll see you tomorrow."
Instead of going home, Julia walked to Mr G's. She hadn't stood on that corner since Caleb Downing tried to abduct her. She stood still on the same spot. She fought the fear to turn and go into the shop. She fought the fear till the fear wasn't inside her anymore.
"Julia, what are you doing standing out here? Come inside." Jay told her, holding the door open.
"I came to see you." She answered him, heading into the store. She sat on the counter and took a blow pop from the bowl on the counter. She set 3 quarters on the counter next to her.
"You alright, babe?"
"No. I'm not." Julia sighed. Her heart was heavy. The truth was on the tip of her tongue. She fought the urge to spill her guts, to confess, to lay it all out for him and have the truth be heard.
He set his broom aside, walked to her and stood between her legs. He put his arms around her. "What's going through that head of yours?"
"Are you and me breaking up?" She asked.
"Not last I checked. Are you breaking up with me?"
"No, Jayson." She answered. "Why are you telling Chess we're splitting up then?"
"Hayley, she's been talking to you? Why's Chess tell her every bit of my business?"
"Jay, Hayley hasn't told me anything. It was Alex telling every bit of your business."
Julia said to him. "He overheard your conversation. Or part of it."
"What is going on with you? Julia, please, tell me. If I can't fix it, I can listen."
"Can you bring my mother back? Can you make a stalker stay gone? Can you make me feel like less of a housewife to my dad? Can you get me straight A's? Cause I am flunking most of my classes? Can you make me wake up without crying? Can you make me sleep at night like I used to, without a 100 fucking thoughts running through my head. Can you stop my panic attacks? My heart racing at 100 miles per hour? Can you make me feel like your girlfriend instead of your babysitter?"
"Julia, please don't take offense to this, but you need a shrink."
"You're telling me I am crazy, Jayson Keller? That's your fucking answer? I feel lost and confused. I go back n forth between super confident and feeling on top of the fucking world to feeling miniscule and like such a weak ass loser."
"Julia, why? Why would you feel like that?" He asked, hugging her tighter.
"I-I'm losing my shit, Jay. I'm losing my mind." She paused. "Remember when we met and we shared the deepest parts of our souls together?"
"Yes, Julia. I remember. When we first got together. When we started talking. You made me feel better just talking to you."
"And now? Now? Jayson, now?" She asked, begging for an answer. "I don't wanna lose that, Jay. I'm-I'm scared of that, losing that connection to you, losing that closeness."
"I haven't lost it." He said, lifting her face to look at him. "I haven't lost that with you."
"I have been fighting against it. I am trying my hardest. But he's there. He's in my mind all the time. Even though he's away right now, he's still there. I feel him when I move, Jay. I feel him touching me. I feel him on me. How am I supposed to forget that?" Julia talked fast in a whisper, frantic. "He wants me with him. And if it wasn't for you I would be. I'd be with him, doing things with him that blow my mind to think of. He'd have me in his arms, he'd have me close to him. He'd. Have. Me. Every part of me. That's what I think about. It's like I am tied to him. It scares me Jay. It scares me that I'd lose all this and your sweetness and your gentle touch and how you hold me and mean it. You'd give your life for me and I take it for granted. What kind of fucking girlfriend am I, Jayson?"
"Jules, stop."
"No, listen to me." She screamed. "What kind of person am I to take you for granted. You'd die for me and I am just pushing you away. He's away. He's not here. But he's in here." She cried pointing at her head. "You don't know what it's like."
"You know how that sounds, Julia? Why didn't you let me know how you felt about him?"
"It's my cross to carry. You have enough and you have done so much for me. I didn't wanna let you down or make you feel like you didn't measure up. Because that's not how I feel about you."
"Julia, there is always the possibility that he'll come back. But we'll deal with that when it happens. Until then you can't walk around thinking about him like he's still here."
"I know."
"You feel like my babysitter?" He asked. "If you don't wanna take care of the kids, then-"
"No, I do. I love them." She paused. "Did you ever feel like you took on too much?"
"Every day, Julia. Every day." He answered. "But I never thought that it would be too much for you. You just volunteered to do everything you do, without me asking."
"I feel like we're married with children, but we're kids, y'know." Julia told him. "Don't you ever just wanna be a fucking kid?"
"I signed up for this. You didn't. I can't just go do what I want whenever I want."
"We need that Jay. I want that, Jay." She insisted.
"Jules, I'll think of something."
"Have Sandy take them for the weekend. Can you ask her? We need time alone and we need a break. She has custody of them. They need some Aunt Sandy and Uncle John time."
"I'll ask her, ok."
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