Chapter 15- Choices

Live. Breathe. Suffer. Survive. It was kill or be killed for her. The sight of Julia nude and bruised as she sat in his shower that night reminded him how helpless he truly was. Despite cutting Caleb's throat and letting the life bleed from him, he still hung in the air like the smoke from the fire hung in the air the days after the house burned. The several months that had passed brought him no relief. He still felt the blade in his palm. He still felt the warmth of the blood on his hands. He'd washed it off, but it stained his soul. Life should be taken by those who can deal with it, and Jay was finally at a point where he was ready to admit to himself he couldn't handle it. "You can't do anything for the dead." He reminded himself. He racked his brain trying to think of something, anything to make this right in his mind. Short of the truth, short of digging up the bodies and letting them rest he could think of nothing. Julia and Chess seemed to be the people that could let it go and move on. He and Hayley couldn't. They spent time together talking and letting their feelings out to each other.  Hayley on the surface seemed shallow at times, but she had a good heart underneath. She was sensitive and funny, didn't judge his moods or his thoughts. Julia would never sit and listen to him go on about the guilt he had. He decided it was not about the person, it was about right and wrong. They made the wrong choice, he believed. He chose to execute him. She chose to burn the house down and any trace of Caleb Downing being in Maverick that night. Hindsight was 20/20. Jay was sure the solution was the books that Julia kept. She refused to burn them, kept them for a reason. Jay felt that reason was to make things right, make some good come of something bad.

After that night with the diaries of Caleb there was a silent vow made between the 4 of them never to mention it again. Julia had changed, in part due to the trauma, but in part due to the actions they'd taken. She was colder in her heart, she was right in her mind. They all played a game that they won, no questions and no discussion. Jay had been right about Hayley all along, the sensitive and emotional side had erupted. Even though months had passed, there was a rift between them that Julia and Chess had built.

At first they sat together at school, but the more they hung out together, the closer they got. Alone and together. Jay never backed off Hayley, keeping her spirits up and keeping her close was a full time job. In the beginning she was more needy than he'd expected, a complete basket case. She'd imprisoned herself in her head, seeking a refuge at home and shunning her friends and herself. Jay started visiting her at night after Julia disconnected them. They hadn't been right together since she recruited Tavin to get rid of the truck, information which he'd kept from Hayley. If Caleb succeeded in accomplishing anything, it was tearing them apart, making them choose sides, realigning them like the big bang realigned stars and planets.

He also knew Julia had to deal with being raped. He encouraged her to talk about it. He encouraged her to let him in to her head, but she denied him. The lack of sex hadn't been the issue. It never was, he just wanted her to deal with it and stop denying what happened to her. When she did let him touch her, she was cold and withdrawn, going through the motions. She kept saying his name like she had to separate herself from Caleb Downing while making love to Jayson. She only loosened up and made love when she was drunk or stoned, but when she sobered up, she'd cry herself to sleep. She refused to be touched, only saying that she felt dirty and it wasn't his fault.

Jay only comforted Hayley at first and vice versa. They talked, hung out, smoked some sick weed, reminisced and tried to forget. As time passed they progressed from friends to more than friends.

They sat by the track in the grass. Not a soul in sight.

"Jayson, we don't always make the right choices in life. You live, you make choices, sometimes the wrong ones. Then you learn from those choices, never making the same choice again. It's life, Jayson."

"This is our life, Hayley. What bad choice will we make next?"

"We can't live thinking that every choice we make will be the wrong one. We have to trust ourselves, right?"

"Yeah, you're right."

Jay leaned back in the grass, the morning dew wetting his tee shirt, but in the June morning humidity, the dampness was cool against his skin.  Hayley laid back too, her hand brushing against his. Jay intertwined his fingers in hers, holding her hand loosely till she matched his grip. They lay quietly a bit, distracted by the sounds of the morning at an empty school next to an empty track.

"Hayley,"

"Yeah, Jay."

Jay squeezed her hand, pulled her against him on her side.

"We came here to run, Hayley."

"I need to get this weight off me. I been getting fat." She frowned.

"Not true. You grew a booty." He laughed.

"None of my clothes fit me, Jay. I can't even get in a bikini. I have a fat roll." She sighed, disappointed in her self. "All I been doing is getting high and eating. Jay, you know you can't tell me I haven't got big."

"Well, let's get up and do this. Every day for the summer. You should have that bikini body by September."

Jay stood up, then pulled Hayley to her feet. They spent the early morning running. Jay ran circles around her, but she was admittedly out of shape. Honestly, Hayley had plumped up like a Thanksgiving turkey. She wore it well and had a positive attitude about dropping her pounds. Jay swore attitude would get her over her hump.

"You did good, Hay. Tomorrow morning, same time, same place. Drink lots of water and no junk. Stay off the weed, that may help."

"It's my solace, Jay."

"Stay away from your solace, Hayley. At least till that ass is gone."

"Great." She sighed. "I can't believe I let myself get so out of control."

Hayley had tears in her eyes. She turned to start home. Jay followed along side of her.

"Don't you think you beat yourself up enough? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get angry."

"Jayson, look at me." She yelled.

"Hayley, you're still hot. God, you act like you're 100 pounds over weight. It's not that big of a deal."

"It's a huge deal to me." Hayley got close to him, kissed his cheek. "I love you, you know."

He grabbed her waist, hugging her against him. His hands slid down over her ass, gripping her tight.

"Jay, we're taking a huge risk here." Hayley cautioned him.

"Hayley, we already crossed the line."

"Jay, where is this going? Other than over the line?" Hayley asked, cupping his face in her hands. She kissed his lips softly.

"Why does it have to go anywhere?"

"Because I have feelings and needs. Because I love you. Because I am tired of sneaking around with you. Just because."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't know what to say when a girl says she loves you and wants more. Are you just playing me, Jay? Is this all an act?"

"It's not, Hayley. No way. Don't feel like that. What do you want me to do? It's about more than me and you. Chess is my cousin. And Julia, she's like a mom to the kids. We're family. We are all family."

"Jay, Chess will still be your cousin and Julia will still love the kids. You are not married to her."

"She's everything to me, Hay."

"Babe, if she was everything, then you wouldn't be here holding me."

"I need to think, Hayley. I don't-"

"Jay, you know what-"She pulled away from his embrace. Started walking with him. "I don't think your relationship is as strong as you think it is. It's crumbling around you. What it was in  the beginning was stuff we all dream of, Jay. But it's ruined. The both of you ruined that."

"She hasn't done anything wrong, Hayley. It's me. I am the one who's sleeping with you. I am the one that ruined everything."

"Jayson, with everything that has happened the last few months, you can't blame yourself for everything. It's both of you."

"But she-"

"She isn't what you think, Jay. You don't have all the facts. You need to talk to her and both of you need to be honest with each other. And not about Caleb Downing."

"What are you talking about?"

"I can't say, but if you're honest with each other and you love each other, then make a decision based on complete honesty." Hayley said. She gave him another kiss, then started running home before he could see her tears.