Julia fell asleep, warm beneath her comforter, a tangle of red hair fanning over the bed around her. A quick kiss on her forehead later, Jay slipped out of her room, having seen the 210am time on the cell's screen. Jay crept home before Cal got home from closing the bar. Jay took a tour of his house. All was quiet, Tati and Alex slept like rocks in their room. His grandmom had her door closed. Jay settled on the sofa, kicking his sneakers off and covering with a throw. He put in his ear buds and flipped through the playlist on his phone till he found the meditation. He never liked the sounds of the house at night. The sounds of outside the house that knocked on his skull. Last he looked at the clock it read 220am.
He awoke with a start around 630am. He added sweats and a long sleeve tee beneath the tee and shorts. A beanie hat to keep his head warm. A crisp late November morning Jayson stepped outside his grandmom's house. The sun just peeking over the horizon. He stretched before heading to the right toward Mav East. A short run, he told himself. He set off, looking back over his shoulder at Julia's house. Still dark. Jay could still feel her on his body. He couldn't shake her out of his head as he ran the track. All thoughts of her consumed him. Her smell, her taste, her naked body on top of him, being inside her, holding her. Many morning runs he had thoughts of running far away, taking a bag and heading out and never coming back like his brother Tavin had done. He envied that aspect of his brother, that part of his psyche that enabled the conscious decision to walk away and leave it behind. That was until he made his play for Julia. Now he had someone to return to, someone other than his grandmom or Alex, his 8 year old brother, or Tatia, his nearly year old sister. Their smiles, their laughter, their craziness, their constant never ending needs. In Julia he found someone who needed him, but for other reasons. Love and friendship, his deep and hard truth of the good and the bad, the history. He wanted a future with this girl, his girl. He originally had reservations letting her into his world. She'd been in and out through out their childhood, but the present was something entirely different. He took everything on himself. He tried to seal off that part of himself, having to deal with real shit that weighed him down. When he felt as though the deck was stacked against him, Julia made him feel normal. She didn't want anything from him, except his company and she was good to him. He thought he was good for her. He wanted to be good for her. She accepted all of him. Inside desperation and anger and rage and loss, she was his strength and voice of reason. Falling alongside him instead of pulling away from him.
Julia knew where he came from, all the problems he brought along with him. The parents that were absent, moving from family member to family member. The last family member was Chess and Ray's house, cousins and friends. Jay had been called into the principal's office. They'd been in the system in foster care while his mom was awaiting sentencing, but his Aunt Sandy had assumed custody of the two siblings. There were a million relatives and Sandy was up at bat. His mom, Karen, and Aunt Sandy were sisters and she'd been offering for years to take in the boys, but Karen had refused. As fucked up as she was on drugs, losing the boys to occasional stints in jail and sometimes losing custody altogether, Karen had finally done what Sandy had wanted and she allowed her sister to take them in. But Sandy drew the line at an infant. Within six months Jay and Alex moved into his grandmom's house. Sandy had custody of them, but living with grandmom allowed for Tatia to be with them. Jay was sure that the three of them were little more than a check or two or three a month, but they made it work. Jay wanted his family together and that included the baby.
Jay set off on the street after what seemed like a million laps. Jay felt physically strong during his morning runs. This activity was more mental, because physically he was in perfect shape. He cleared his mind of all the junk. He came back focused and optimistic then it all went to shit. Morning noise of crying and cartoons. Diaper changes and daycare drop off. Tati was just learning to walk and although he was proud and happy, she was getting into everything that wasn't nailed down, including his shit.
He stopped two blocks from home at Mr G's sandwich shop. He pushed the heavy door open, listened as the bell rang above his head. Mr G stood behind the counter. "Morning, Jayson. Out early on a Saturday."
"Yeah, Mr G. Every day." Jay reminded him.
The older balding man pushed his glasses up on his nose then turned to the coffee pots, "The usual?"
"Please, Mr G. " Jay nodded, taking two dum-dum lollipops from the bowl on the counter.
He handed Jay the cup of 100% Colmbian in the styrofoam cup. Black, no sugar and no creamer. "I'll see you Monday evening, Jayson."
"Yes, I'll be here." Jay said making sure the lid on the coffee was tight.
"Still going away this weekend?"
"Yeah, we're leaving soon. Or I'd be here tonight for closing. You got someone right?"
"My son's bringing Henry to make a couple bucks."
"Okay, good. I don't like leaving you hanging."
"No worries. Have fun."
Jay head home, walking past his house to Julia's house. Cal was in the front yard, tweaking the lawnmower.
"Hi, Jay." He said, looking up from the lawnmower. He gave Jay's hand a good shake.
"Hey," Jay said. "Is she up yet?"
"No, "He answered. "Hey, did y'all have fun last night? Wish I coulda been here."
"Yeah, we did." Jay answered, thinking of Julia against the limo, thinking of Julia on top of him in her bed. "Definitely. Hayley's mom dropped us off after."
"What time you think you'll be back tomorrow?" Cal asked, lighting a cigarette.
"I don't know. Afternoon I guess. Deb's not gonna want to hang too long with the monsters, y'know."
"I bet," Cal laughed, knowing the monsters well. "Hey how is Karen by the way? Have you heard from her?"
"Haven't talked to her." Jay answered quickly.
"I think this time is it. She's a good person, she just-"
"Cal, I stopped waiting for her to change a long time ago. "
Cal stepped aside, letting Jay pass through the door, then went back to the lawnmower. Karen was someone he wanted to put out of his mind. He hadn't seen her since she had Tatia. She wrote letters that were laced with hope. She found faith inside those four walls. She wrote about staying clean, working the program, avoiding new habits and avoiding old ones. He'd grown years older than the kid she locked in a closet. He'd grown years older than the kid who watched her tieing off to find a vein. He'd grown years older than the kid who listened to her curse because she couldn't find one, the woman that brought various men home and slept with them for money.
He chose to put Karen out of his head and went to Julia's room where she slept snoring and heavily blanketed. He scanned the pics on the wall and dresser of her and her mom, of her family, of her holding her mom's hand while she lay in bed. Jay felt himself tearing up, but held it back. Rose, she was like a second mom to him when he'd stay with his grandmom. Occasionally through the years, his grandmom would take them in, then when Karen wanted them or she got tired of them, they'd disappear again. The neighborhood was like a revolving door through their childhood. First with him and Tavin, then with him, Tavin and Alex, and now currently him, Alex and Tatia. Thinking of Karen, he felt like starting the morning all over again. He felt like running. The sound of Julia's light snoring and thoughts of moms both good and bad were broken by the start of the lawnmower. He jumped a little, his stomach churning.
"Julia, babe. It's time." He called, voice cracking a bit.
She gathered herself, brushing back the hair from her face, rubbing sleepy eyes. He handed her the coffee. She thanked him,"Babe, what's wrong?" She asked. His eyes, they were off, not bright like usual.
"Cal was asking about Karen." He answered. "I'll be at the house. Come over when you're ready." He cut her off before she could respond.
Julia drank half her coffee and felt herself getting angry. She showered, wrapped in her robe then head out front. She waited till her dad turned the mower off. "Dad," She called. Before he could say anything, she cut him off. "Really, dad."
"The grass ain't cutting itself, Julia." He said, believing it had been the mower so early that bothered her.
"You gotta bother him about Karen?" She whined. "What were you thinking?"
"I only wondered how she was, Julia. What's the big deal?"
"The big deal is it's insensitive."
"I only wanted to know how my friend is doing is all."
"Jail is how Karen's doing, dad. Friend, dad, she was a customer in the bar you work in."
"I knew her before Jayson was even thought in her mind."
"She's not the same person you knew like 20 years ago in school. And Jayson's not a thought in her mind, neither are Alex or Tatia."
"She is his mother and , believe me, she loves them."
"What she's done is not love. She's selfish. She didn't make good memories like my mom. OK?" Julia sighed. "Please don't mention her to him. It sets him off."
"I didn't think about it like that. But she is his mom. He should think about her."
Julia went down the steps and handed her dad her cell phone. They flipped through the pics from the night before at the dance, then when the dance pics ended, she stopped him and took the phone back before he saw anything he shouldn't see.
Julia head back inside with thoughts of her own mom heavy in her mind now that dad had brought up Karen. Julia took to blowing dry 2 feet of hair while she looked at the picture of her mom on the wall. Jay had taken the picture of Julia sitting in a chair next to her bed. Mom's eyes were closed, Julia's red hair down and covered the her. They held hands. It had been a few hours before her mom took her last breath. When Julia looked at the pic, she saw her mom, but a shell of her.
At that point she was gaunt and emaciated, semiconscious, taking slow shallow breaths, the pink bandana with the breast cancer ribbons was covering her scalp. Pale as a ghost. She didn't say much at the end and when she did speak, it was strange because she was speaking to her own mother. Julia looked around the room and looked up to where her mom was looking, but saw no sign of anyone else. The hospice nurse reassured her, saying that sometimes people that were dying spoke to family members.
"So she's hallucinating again?" Julia asked.
"Maybe. Can't say for sure, Miss Julia. Don't you worry about her ok. You just stay with her as long as you want. Won't be long now." Miss Cammie, the hospice nurse said, patting her shoulder.
Won't be long now. Julia was still mystified whether she actually saw her mom or whether she was hallucinating, but she was comfortable and seemingly in little to no pain as the morphine kept her sedated and semicomatose.
That evening, after Jay put the kids in bed, he came over the house and he sat with them. He didn't say much either. There was a conversation strike going on. No one could think of anything to say. What was appropriate at that time? Cal was in the living room, numbed by xanax and television. He'd peek in from time to time, waiting on word that his wife, Julia's mother, was gone. He did a lot of pacing. The hospice nurse kept on him, encouraging him to talk about his feelings, memories, but Cal was distant. His memories were inside his head at that point. He was almost in a state of denial. He repeated, "I can't believe this is happening."
After hours of sitting in that chair, Julia finally got up. She ate a sandwich, changed into pajamas. Jay stayed beside the bed with Rose. She wasn't moving. "Miss Cammie." Jay called. "She's not moving."
Jay stood up and stepped away from the bed. Miss Cammie arrived first. She touched mom's forehead. Felt for a pulse. Jay started crying, Julia followed suit. Cal hovered in the doorway. Everyone, except Miss Cammie jumped when Rose drew in a breath. "I thought, I thought she was-"
Miss Cammie took his hand and motioned to Julia to come to the bedside. The lamplight cast on Rose's face. A distant look on her face. She took on a pale and skeletal kind of look. Unresponsive. "Cal, please come in. Sit with her." Dad sat in the chair next to the bed. Jay walked out of the room toward the door. Julia followed him, catching him on the steps.
"Jay, please stay with me." She asked, tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Julia, I thought she was gone. I don't know if I can. I'm not strong enough." He said, crying. "She is like a mom, y'know."
Julia turned, "She's my mom. But, oK. I understand." she said flatly and went inside. Jay hesitated a moment, then followed. They sat nearly an hour and watched as she took her last breaths. She died at 808pm. When she left time and space as we know it, it was visible that she was no longer there. Her body was empty, void of life and breath. Jay stood behind her, arms around her shoulders. Miss Cammie and Cal sat at bedside. She died a victim of an agressive cancer that advanced quickly and went untouched by chemo therapy.
Julia looked to the dresser, the bandana was tied to the bear mom had in bed with her. Pink with breast cancer ribbons. She reached for it, touched the fading fabric. She untied the cloth from the bear and put it on her head. She fixed it so it would stay with bobby pins. Her kinky red curls held back with a memory.
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