Jay went to Chess' room when he got back to the house. Chess sat on his bed watching you tube videos, wearing head phones. He nearly jumped out of his skin when Jay pushed through the door. He pulled off his head phones. Jay held out a bag of weed in front of him, the bag he had bought on the way to Julia's. Chess reached for it, but Jay held it away from him.
"What the hell?"
"Trade? I want alcohol."
He got off his bed and started rummaging through the back of his closet. He handed him a small bottle of vodka. Jay handed over the weed, which Chess preferred.
"Thanks." Jay said and left the room.
He went downstairs, took a soda from the fridge and went out back. Jay sat on the deck in a chair in the dark, listening to the bug zapper buzz as the bugs flew into the glowing blue light. Jay started drinking. He pulled out his phone and started looking at his pictures of Tatia when she was born, his thumb sliding the pics aside one by one. His thumb hovered over one pic of Julia holding Tatia when she was an infant, the baby sleeping on her chest.
"So what's going on now?" Chess asked, taking a seat beside him on the deck. He lit the joint and took a hit. He offered Jay a hit, which he took. He passed it back and took a drink. Jay was quiet.
"I fucked up." Jay answered.
"Again."
"It's what I do best." Jay laughed.
Jay continued to swipe through the pics on his phone. His life played out before his eyes from Tatia's birth through the present day. Pictures of his friends and brother. He'd saved them all, he hadn't deleted them. Chess looked over his shoulder.
"Good times. That was a fun weekend. Before everything went to shit." Chess told him, looking at a picture of all of them at the cabin. Photos around a campfire. "How is Julia?"
"She's pregnant." Jay replied, putting his phone on the table beside him.
"Yours?" Chess asked.
"Yes." Jay nodded. He took offense to his sarcasm, but he let Chess take his hits with his comments. Sometimes they were deserved.
"Think we'll ever have it back the way it was? Be able to hang out and be friends again?"
"Eventually." Jay said. "Your dad was right. In 10 years none of this will matter."
"It matters now." Chess told him.
"I can't say or do anything other than I'm sorry and I won't do it again."
"Hayley always told me I never mattered to her. She always told me we weren't in a relationship. That we were just friends. It was me that didn't believe her." Chess confessed. "So I'm not surprised about what happened. What surprised me was you. You went there with her."
"You were not supposed to know."
"I knew she was messing with someone. But I didn't know it was you." Chess said. "I would have done the same thing."
"What?" Jay asked.
"I would have. The day I found out, I went over her house-Julia's. We got drunk together. I kinda hit on her, but she thought I was joking around or at least she played it off that way. But if she had taken me seriously I would have fucked her."
"OK," Jay replied, puzzled. He didn't know how to respond to that.
"You fucked my fat girlfriend." Chess laughed.
"She wasn't fat." Jay laughed.
"And I would have fucked your girl. I would have destroyed that pussy. And I would have told you about it."
"She doesn't like you like that." Jay said honestly.
"You thought it was me though. In the beginning."
"No I didn't. Your mom did. She came up with that idea, not me." Jay argued. "I never thought of you. Not once. I trust you with her. Look, if anything happens to me, make sure that they're ok. I mean her and the baby. Make sure they're not alone. Please."
"You're not going anywhere, Jay. Where would you go?"
"If that shit comes down on us..."Jay thought aloud. "I won't let Jules take part of the fall anymore. Not now. Not with our kid involved, ok. It's all on me."
"Jay, are you serious? Do you think that's the way it would really go down? We would all step up, Jay. We were all there. I never thought of letting you two hang for what I took part in. Not once. That was your idea. I never agreed to it and neither did Hayley. What do you think had her all fucked up?"
Jay finished his drink and gave Chess the other half of the Vodka back. He was feeling good and numb, didn't want to over do it.
"I don't want our girls involved in it." Jay said.
"I'm not a fucking girl. And no one's looking. No one cares. It's been that way from the beginning. I can't believe you're still worrying about this. Let it fucking go."
Not all of it. The gun and the knife were buried under a tree in a lock box. Julia had the books and the trophy box. Parts of that man still lingered. Even if it were all gone, Jay still had his memories. He remembered it all. When he slept, it haunted him. The dreams still came. Chess told him to let it go, but he didn't know how.
Jay crashed on the sofa after their conversation. The TV sound on low. Alone with his thoughts of what was, what is and what will be.
Jay woke up and went running. The sun was barely up by the time he hit the track at Mav West. He did laps, listening to his music play. He saw her, but he ignored her. Kept running and pretended to be oblivious to her until she was so close to him he couldn't deny her presence anymore. She stood directly in front of him, then fell beside him as he ran. She reached and pulled the ear buds out of his ears. Hayley wasn't dressed to exercise, but kept up with him. "You need to listen to me, Jayson." Hayley said. "Stop running, please." Hayley told him, giving up her trot. She watched him run around the track till he got to her again. "I want to talk, Jayson. Dammit, I'm not chasing your ass."
Jay stopped, facing her, still jogging in place. "So speak." He ordered.
"I miss you, Jay." She announced, reaching for his hand. Jay pulled away before she touched him.
"Stop, Hayley."
"I miss the way things were, they way we were, all of us, Jay."
"There's no us anymore, Hayley. There's no all of us anymore."
"We had something good."
"What we had was a mistake."
"You don't miss me at all? We are close."
"I made a decision to start it and I made a decision to end it."
"You didn't give me a say. You just walk away like that."
"Yes, Hayley. Just like that."
"Look, I wanna hook up. You free tonight? We can hang out, have fun."
"No, Hay. I don't wanna hang out with you."
"You hooking up with someone else?" Hay asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
"There's a million other dicks out there. Go find one."
"Fine, Jay. Whatever."
"Having trouble finding one are you?" Jay taunted her.
"Fuck you, Jay."
"Fuck you back, Hayley."
He began to think fat Hayley and skinny Hayley were two different people. Obviously she had her confidence back. He watched her ass as she walked away, no more jiggle. No more fat and round plump ass for her. That ass that looked so good from behind. Jay shook that thought out of his head and moved on with his day. He had other things to think about.
He ran back home, showered and waited for the house to start coming to life. Chess was first, going into the kitchen. He got himself some cereal and stood in the doorway to the living room as he spooned it into his mouth.
"Hayley called me." He said, chewing on his captain crunch.
"What she want?"
"To hook up." He answered.
"You gonna do it?"
"No." He answered, shaking his head. "But this dick needs to get wet though. Spent the fucking summer trying to get in Jessie's pants."
"Who the fuck is Jessie?"
"Jesslyn. From down the block." Chess answered. "Hey, she has a pool." He shrugged.
"Ain't she 12?"
"Two years ago. Anyway, all she lets me do is play with her tits."
"What's the problem?"
"No clue. I did everything but ask nice."
"Well, try that."
"Fucking virgin, I swear."
"Tell her what she wants to hear, then. She doesn't wanna give it away to someone she's not sure about, someone who's only around to hang out cause she has a pool."
"She wants a boyfriend." Chess said.
"Give her one."
The house did come alive all at once, the kids, the Sandy, then Ray. The house cleared out as fast as it came to life. Chess went to get himself a girlfriend, Ray disappeared with friends, Sandy went to her spin class. That left Jay and the kids till Julia came over. She'd gone to the clinic when she got up in the morning. They confirmed she was pregnant, discussed her options and gave her some prenatal vitamins before sending her on her way.
"So what now?"
"Now nothing. We wait. And I have to find a GYN, which means telling my dad. But I have awhile before that needs to happen." Julia informed him. "So what are we doing today? Anything good or just the back yard?"
The yard it was. They watched the kids play, they filled up the pool for them so they could get cool. The usual summer afternoon. When Tatia laid down for a nap, so did Julia. Jay and Alex went to the house to finish what needed to be done there. What didn't sell was being picked up by the donation truck. What was left after that went in the trash. Their life there was done.
They readied for school. The new uniform policy at Mav West was in effect and they shopped complaining all the while. Sandy took them all to the outlets and they found what they wanted at their favorite stores and new shoes. Each got three uniforms to start out, then they'd go from there. She bought all Alex's uniforms at Walmart, but the boys wanted name brand clothes. Julia had been invited to tag along with them, but declined to stay home and watch the kids. She was happy with her Walmart uniforms and thought she'd only be getting fatter as the months passed. She didn't want to waste good money on name brand clothes that wouldn't eventually fit her.
Julia's work hours also changed. Rachel liked her enough to keep her around. Rather than have her resign, she'd work 4-6 in the afternoon a couple days a week then on Saturday, her busiest day from 10am to 6pm. Julia agreed to that without hesitation because she liked her job and she liked her shop. Jay quit working at Mr G's and found a job at a pizza shop in the evenings.
"Can you stay awake long enough to go Jessie's house?" Jay joked with her after waking her up.
"Definitely. Will there be food there? I'm hungry." She answered.
"Yes, her mom is grilling, babe."
Julia changed into her bathing suit and cover up. "I'm hungry now." She groaned, climbing the steps from her room to the kitchen. She came back in a minute with a couple Twinkies and a water bottle. She offered one to Jay.
"No, thanks."
"Mmm, they're so good, Jayson." She said biting into the first Twinkie. "So who is this Jessie? Never heard of her."
"Chess's girlfriend." Jay replied, propping his feet on her bed. Julia sat on his lap. She offered Jay the last bite of the Twinkie. "Jules, no. I don't like them."
"How can you not love these?" She asked impatiently. "Your baby loves them."
"Gonna make you fat." he said. "But if that's what you want to eat then go ahead."
"I'm gonna get huge Jay."
"Go ahead. More to love." He said, putting his arms around her waist. He put his hands on her belly.
"So, let's go. I'm still hungry. Think her mom will make hot dogs?"
He and Julia walked back to Jessie's house. Chess was already in the pool and Jess was hanging on him as they floated around. She wanted a boyfriend and Chess gave her one for sure. Chess created a monster, finally popping her cherry then she wouldn't get off him. Ever. She was undoubtedly in love. Julia watched her all afternoon, grinning from ear to ear, touching him, holding his hand, constantly trying to meet every need he had. Chess ate it up.
"Geeze, Jay. Please tell me I wasn't like that." Julia said as she ate her third hot dog. "She's a keeper though. A sweetie."
"You were like that. A long time ago."
"I think you were like that more than me." She argued. "You were always so attentive."
"And now."
"Not as much. But neither am I." She replied.
"She wanted to meet his friends and family."
"And Chess chose us?" She laughed. "Anyone else?"
"Ray's coming with Cass." Jay replied. "And he's bringing a bunch of other people they know. From school."
"She doesn't know what she's getting herself into."
Jess' mom cooked them a big meal, had salads and chips, drinks. She didn't spend a lot of time getting in the way of the kids in the back yard, but made her presence known. She made it clear she wouldn't tolerate any alcohol or drugs to each person that came through her yard. She's a cool mom, but made her limits clear up front. The music got started and the pool got used. Jesslyn met everyone, but gravitated toward Julia who was there for the food more so than the pool.
"You're awful hungry, Julia." Jess noticed as she stood next to her at the food table. "When's the last time you ate? Gosh."
"I eat all the time. I'm famished all the time."
"You're so skinny. Wow, I gotta watch what I eat all the time."
"Eat whatever you like. Boys will like you either way. Trust me." Julia told her.
Julia invited her to sit next to her at the picnic table. She wanted the scoop on her and Chess. She'd had a crush on him since they were kids. He started hanging out after he and Hayley broke up. They spent the summer getting to know each other as friends. He always wanted more from her though.
"Like what?" Julia asked.
"You know." She replied shyly.
"Sex." Julia suggested.
"Shh, yeah. But he was always so...I don't know. Like he'd come and go."
"And then."
He stopped coming and going a few weeks ago. He talked to her, said he had been hurt and wasn't ready in the beginning to have a girlfriend. Then all of a sudden he changed his mind. He was ready for a girlfriend and to be in a relationship again. Jesslyn practically gushed when she told Julia her story. She'd been happy, that's what she wanted and had asked him for a few times. She had wanted a commitment. He gave her one.
"So you two are an item now?"
"Yes. I'm so happy with him. I can't believe this guy I've been crushing on is mine. He's so awesome, Julia." She smiled as she talked about Chess. "How long have you been with Jay?"
"Uh, about a year and a half."
"He's so cute."
"He is." Julia agreed. "He's a good guy. That's what matters, Jess. That he has a good heart."
"The sex is amazing." She whispered.
"Are you protecting yourself?"
She was quiet a moment. "He does. We use condoms."
"Every time."
"Yeah, but..."
"But what?"
"We ran out once. So he pulled out."
"No. Don't ever risk it. There's a clinic you can go to. I can go with you if you want. Or you two can go together. Your mom doesn't need to know."
"What do you use?" She asked.
Lord, Julia thought. "The pill. But there's a bunch you can choose from. And they have free condoms."
"I'll talk to Chess. I want to go with him."
"I'll text you where the place is. One bus and it's done."
"When should I go?"
"First thing in the morning." Julia answered. "Don't wait."
Cass sat down at the table with them. Her hair drenched from the pool, she wrung it out with a towel. "What are you guys talking about?"
"School. We're both noobs, Cass." Julia answered before Jesslyn opened her mouth.
"I don't think either one of you will have any trouble." Cass said, wrapping in her towel.
"How are you Cass? Haven't heard from you in a while."
"Good. Me and Ray found some new friends." She replied.
"Good for you. Glad to hear it."
"Not that I was choosing sides or anything you know. I just prefer to not be in your drama."
"I prefer to not be in my drama too. Sometimes it doesn't work out that way." Julia replied, drinking some of her tea.
"Life goes on right? Doesn't matter who gets hurt?"
"We've all been hurt. You had nothing to do with it. You're that much of an expert on my life? Jay's?"
"Hayley's?"
"Thought you didn't choose sides?"
"I haven't. But I have my opinions. So does everyone else."
"Opinions are like ass holes, everyone's got one."
"You were always a pretentious little fuck, Julia."
"And you were always a jealous little fuck, Cass."
"Um, Julia, Cass. Can we talk about something else?"
"His brother, Julia? That was low." Cass spat at her. "Which one did you like best?"
"Brothers, Cass, you have experience with brothers don't you? Which one do you prefer?"
When the course of the conversation started to get loud and personal, Jesslyn slid away from the table and went to the pool and got Jay and Ray, then followed them as they went to the table where Julia and Cass sat. The two had stood up and were verbally exchanging their opinions, a history that Jesslyn knew nothing about. Julia knew as soon as she heard Cass's name that there would be trouble. Cass never could keep her mouth shut. This wasn't her first go around with her and it wouldn't be the last. The more Cass said, the more Julia wanted to punch her. She had to restrain herself. Ordered herself to restrain herself. If there hadn't been a baby inside of her, she would have hit her. She would have broken her nose just like she shattered Jay's not too long ago.
Jay and Ray got in between them, Jay pulling her aside. Ray took Cass away.
"Are you nuts, Julia? Were you seriously going to fight her?"
"No, Jay. It took all I had to restrain myself. But I wasn't going to let her sit there running her mouth without defending myself." Julia paused. "Look, I'll leave. I don't want to ruin the party. It's Jess's home. Not mine."
"I'll come with you."
"No, you stay. Have fun. It's no big deal, Jay."
Jay went and gathered their stuff. Jess came over and said bye to them, but urged her to stay.
"I'm sorry, Julia. I didn't know what to do and I didn't want you two getting into a fight."
"You did the right thing, Jess. I'll text you."
"Maybe we could hang out sometime?" Jess asked.
"Yeah, that sounds fun." Julia agreed. Julia pulled her cover up over her head, gave Jess a hug. "Watch what you say around her."
Jay and Julia went inside via the side entrance. They spent the walk home arguing about Cass, that he had to leave. But they agreed that they liked Jess. Julia worried that Chess only told her he'd be her boyfriend to get in her pants. Jay agreed with her about Jess. She was a pretty girl. A short girl with short blond hair, brown eyes and a perky smile. A happy person with a bounce in her step. "Think he'll break her heart?" Julia asked. "Because her story about how they got together was just too romantic."
"She wanted a boyfriend and he gave her one." Jay told her. "But he does like her. She's nice to him."
"I don't think she knows much about him though. She seemed surprised about our drama. She knew about Hayley as a past girlfriend, but beyond that I think she's clueless."
Julia stripped off her cover up and bathing suit. She got close to Jay, pulled his tee off. She guided him toward the shower, both getting inside under the warm water. They made love under the stream of water till the water ran red. They stood still, watching the blood run down Julia's legs. The water circling the drain was red.
"Julia, what do we do?" Jay asked, staring at the water.
"I don't know, babe."
They rinsed off, got out of the shower. Julia waited a while to see if the bleeding would stop, but it only increased. She'd gone upstairs and got some pads from the bathroom, but was soaking them through. She started to get scared and Jay told her to get Ellen. She sat in the living room chair watching NCIS reruns. Andy laid on the couch dozing off.
"Ellen, can I talk to you please?"
"Sure, Julia. What's up?" She asked, looking at Julia from her seat.
Julia looked at Andy, then back at Ellen. "I need, I think I need to go to the ER." She said nervously.
"Why?" Ellen asked, looking her over. "You look fine to me."
"Um, I'm bleeding."
Jay suddenly appeared from the basement, standing in the kitchen by the fridge. Julia looked at him nervously.
"Bleeding, Julia? And you're not supposed to be bleeding?" She asked, rising from her chair. "Are you pregnant?" She noticed Jayson in the kitchen.
"Yes." They both answered. Julia explained, " A couple months. Not far along, but I'm bleeding really heavy."
"OK, then. Let me get dressed." She said, heading to her bedroom.
They spent four hours in the ER for a doctor to send her home with information they already knew. They'd done an ultrasound to confirm it, told her to follow up with her clinic in a few days. They dropped Jay off at home then went back home themselves. Julia explained the entire story to her while in the ER, the same excuses she'd given Jay.
Julia explained why she didn't tell them. She didn't have to till she needed a doctor and prenatal care.
"Julia, it's going to be ok. I know that it feels really bad right now."
"Why though? They didn't tell me why."
"No one can. Julia, these things happen sometimes. In a few years when you're ready to have a child, it'll be different."
"How do you know, Ellen?"
"Because it happened to me, Julia. I have had a miscarriage. I had two in fact before I had Andy. It's a loss and you should grieve this loss. You will be ok though. I promise."
"Jay's not showing it, but he's just in shock. He didn't want this to begin with. It was all my fault."
"You two need to deal with it together. And you didn't get yourself pregnant. You had help. Make sure you don't let it happen again. You're really not ready for this."
"All the other options didn't apply to us. We planned on taking responsibility for the baby. We both have jobs. We want to finish school. We have experience with kids. We tried to think positive." Julia said through her tears. "All the stuff that happened this year, we looked at this like a blessing, you know."
Julia went to her room once in the house. She texted Jay she loved him, but didn't get a response. She texted him again, waited. She sat alone on her bed in the dim light of the TV, crying. She erupted in tears, crying into her pillow, wanting to fall asleep, but failing. She cried till she felt like she was suffocating. She called Jay instead of texting.
"Jay, answer the phone. Jay...I'm falling apart, babe. I need you."
Jay and Chess stood on the back deck smoking. Jay looked up at the stars on the amazing clear night. He felt like shit, but he wasn't breaking down. Chess had tried to make sense for him. He hadn't wanted a baby of his own even though he felt the loss. Neither of them were ready to face that responsibility, but were ready to assume it. Jay only wondered whether he'd lost a son or a daughter. Of all the things he and Julia had discussed, it had been names. They had months to decide, but wanted just the right name for the new Keller baby. Julia had suggested Jayla, which had been a combination of both their names, and had both agreed. Jay declined on having a namesake. Jayson wasn't a name he wanted to carry on forever. Both seemed assured it would be a girl. Jayla Keller.
He'd listened to the doctor when Julia had zoned out. There was no medical reason for a miscarriage. Jay had worried that their having sex had caused it. He waited till Ellen left the room to take Cal's phone call and he asked the doctor straight out if they had caused it when they were doing it in the shower. The doc was honest, "This is not your fault."
Ellen had been the most helpful to both of them. Having been there twice before Andy had been conceived, she was able to put her past into the present and help the both to try to make sense of something that was unfathomable. She knew they were sad and that they had questions, the top question being why. Her losses had been nearly two decades, but she still wondered why. She'd done her best to reassure them, explain that they'd heal in time. But to treat the loss as a loss. They'd need each other to heal.
"Why'd you come home? You're a fucking wreck." Chess asked.
"Because she dropped me off." He answered.
"Is Julia ok?"
"No. She's all fucked up. She won't stop crying. She texted me and called me already." Jay explained. "I should go back. She shouldn't be alone."
"Go ahead."
"I'll be back when she falls asleep. For the kids."
"No you won't. You're own kid comes first. Get outta here. I got them."
"Really? You got them."
"Yeah, I got a girlfriend. Jess can help me. She wants to be part of the fam."
Jay texted her back, 'I'm on my way'.
Jay got in bed with her, curled up beside her beneath her blanket. She rested her head on his chest. She cried herself to sleep.
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