21- I'm fine

Julia was growing bored working at Silver Lining. There was only so much Christianity and spiritualism she could take and she had her fill. She wanted to quit and find an alternative, but had fallen into a pattern of laziness, lacking enthusiasm for any activities and school. She'd fallen into a depression one more time.

She walked the Square before heading to Jay's. There was a new shop called Astrid's Boutique that she wanted to check out  This boutique had handmade and uniquely made clothes and jewelry as well as some used stuff that wasn't junky. The homecoming dance was coming up and she wanted to find a dress to wear. Jay had bothered her about it several times. She'd ignored him the first few times, but he demanded to know whether they were actually going or not. He was one of the guys in line for homecoming king in the junior class. Julia scanned the racks in the store and finally found a white dress, cotton, light and layered. Each layer was trimmed with fine lace. She reminisced to last year's dance at the Shades ballroom. She'd been so happy then. She had a full schedule, busy but fulfilled. She had friends and always had fun. She'd been the strong one in the relationship. Jay had been the worrier, the doubter, the one that had the stress. The shoe was on the other foot. She appreciated that time so much more a year later.

"Hi, I'm Sia, do you need some help there?" The employee asked.

Julia, held the dress over her arm as she looked at the accessories that hung on the wall. "Not yet, no." Julia answered.

"That's a pretty dress you chose. Know what would look awesome with it? The butterflies. Come with me. There's a set over here." She said, placing her her hand on Julia's arm and guiding her to the jewelry set. She held up the butterfly, medium sized with bright colored wings on a green cloth necklace. There were earrings to match, same butterflies only smaller. They were painted with metallic pink and purple colors, very bright and eye catching.

"Yeah, that's pretty." Julia agreed, eying the store employee as she placed the jewelry on Julia. "Ok, I like it." Julia nodded.

"Oh, and this, definitely." She smiled, placing a small rose laced band on her head. "If you leave your hair down, you'll look like a fairie. You'll look so pretty. And the shoes, not heels, flats for sure, like ballerina slippers. Look at these, try them on."

"I don't know. You have my size."

"They'll fit, yes."Sia nodded. "What are you dressing for?"

"Oh, homecoming. My boyfriend's been bugging me about a dress."

"You don't sound real excited." Sis pointed out.

"Eh, I'm not really. I'm in a funk is all."

"Well, you put on this outfit and you'll look beautiful. Trust me, you'll come out of it."

"I'll take it. I just love this dress." Julia smiled.

"You look familiar. Where do I know you from?" Sia asked.

"Do you go to Mav East or West?" Julia asked, thinking maybe she knew her from school.

 "No, I'm new around here. Moved in with my sister when she opened the store. I'm in college anyway. Online though."

"It's still college right?" Julia smiled. "I do work down the block at Silver Lining. Maybe there?"

"The Christian store? Yeah, my sister shops in there sometimes. I bet I have seen you walking around here, too."

Sia bagged her purchase and handed her the bag over the counter.

"Well, thanks a lot." Julia told her.

"Hey, stop back anytime." 

Julia walked to Jay's house. She got Tatia and Alex from the house and took them outside into the yard. She let them play and run, threw the ball to Alex who practiced hitting. Jay came out and joined them for a bit before work. A rousing game of baseball and five innings later, Jay left for work. He told Julia to do homework with Alex before she left for home.

"Come on, Jay. What were you doing when you got home?" She whined.

He leaned into her ear, "Jerking off."

"Jerk." She muttered. "Funny. Haha."

"It's true. I want some later." He called, leaving the back yard.

Julia took them inside, gabbed with Sandy while she made dinner. Sandy was still a bit distant around her, which stemmed from the summer drama. Julia worked around the tension, being the same girl she'd always been in Sandy's company. She never once gave Sandy a personal reason to dislike her. Truth be told, Sandy was just as tense with Jayson. In the end, her son had been hurt by their actions. That was what mattered to her.

Chess and Jessie emerged from the basement for dinner just as Jessie's mom arrived to share a meal with the family. Chess and Jessie had a great bond forming between them, one that was starting out stronger than anything he'd had with Hayley.

"Julia, are you staying for dinner too?" Sandy asked, offering an invitation.

"Umm, would you mind? I'd like to hang with the kids a while longer? Get them ready for bed, tuck them in."

"You miss having them around all the time?"

"Uh, yeah. I didn't realize how much time I spent with them till I moved, then they moved here. The separation kills me sometimes."

"Julia, you're welcome to take care of them whenever you want. You don't have to ask."

"How's your mom doing?"

"Still the same. The doctors don't see any improvement and she's wasting away on that ventilator. I don't know what to do for her."

"How about hospice? My mom was on that at the end, Miss Cammie was awesome."

"In order to do that we'd have to take her off the ventilator. It would pretty much end right there."

"And it's not time yet? For her or for you?" Julia asked.

"Both."

Julia cleared up Alex's work off the table and she and Jessie set the table with place settings. When the moms turned their backs, Chess grabbed Jess's breast or ass cheek. Julia smacked him on the arm, told him to knock it off.

"Hey, did you ever get to that place I told you about?" Julia asked Jessie.

"Yes, we did. We went together and checked it out."

"And you got what you needed."

"Yes, we did." Jessie replied. "By the way I'm sorry about what happened, you know, with the baby. Chess told me."

"Thanks, Jess." Julia frowned, thinking back to the night of her party. All that blood. Bloody water, blood everywhere. "All the more reason to be safe, right."

Julia sat down with the family and ate dinner. She fussed with Tatia who'd grown defiant as of late. She stood to eat in her chair when she was in the chair. Sandy left her run unchecked instead of sitting and eating like a normal person.

"Tatia Rose Keller," Julia called, raising her voice. Everyone at the table fell silent. Tatia turned and looked at her. "Chair. Now." Tatia chugged to the chair and crawled onto her seat. She attempted to stand. Julia corrected her. "Sit down. Eat." Tatia started to eat, every couple minutes she sneaked a look at Julia to see if she was paying attention or not. When she realized Julia was still giving her the death stare, she went back to her plate quietly.

"Sorry," Julia announced. "I couldn't eat with all that toddler drama there."

"Well, thanks cause she does that every night." Ray told her.

"She's not allowed to do that. Ugh, let her do it once and it's all over." Julia said, eyeballing the toddler again.

"Can you eat with us every night then?" Ray asked.

"She doesn't do it with Jay either." Jessie pointed out.

"Sandy is Aunt Sandy. Julia's her mom."Chess added.

"Well, she should live with Julia then." Ray said. "Can we take a vote here? Cause she's outta control."

"Funny, Ray. Eat please." Sandy told him.

Julia looked at the toddler, the feisty and sassy Tatia Keller. Out of control because Julia was failing at her job, the job she'd taken when she was an infant. She had been slacking. That needed to change.

Julia and Jessie cleaned the table and loaded the dishes into the dish washer. Julia still thought of Tatia. There had to be a way to reverse the absence Julia had created in her life, right the wrong. The girl needed her, a mom that wouldn't slack or drop the ball like Sandy. She needed a mom that was right in the head. She needed Julia at her best, not at her worst. She was ashamed of herself. She let the girl down and Alex too.

Julia's work wasn't done yet. After making coffee for Sandy and Louann, Jessie's mom. She told Alex to get his shower and when he was finished, she gave Tatia a quick bath. Jess kept her company, dragging herself away from Chess for a bit, but all she did was talk about Chess. How loving he was, how caring, how gentle, how sweet. Julia was about to vomit when she changed the subject to homecoming. She had her dress already and her mom was going to let her stay out later than usual just so she could go. She was excited about it. Chess had his suit all ready. Julia told her she bought her dress, in fact it was in the living room hanging on the coat hook. Jess wanted to see the whole outfit and when Tatia's bath was done, she took her downstairs and showed it to her.

"It's too pretty, Julia. You're gonna look beautiful."

"I don't even wanna go, but I am. Jay's gonna be homecoming king."

"No, he's not, Chess is." Jess argued.

"Ok, then, Chess is." Julia smiled, correcting herself. "May the best junior win."

Jay could win on best smile alone, Julia thought. He was the whole package. Smart, athletic, popular and handsome, hardworking, caring and outgoing and he stuck up for people. Julia had only heard rumors of how he was at school with other people and when they said he had a heart of gold, they meant it. Seeing him at school, going with him to Mav West everyday, she got to see the fan club in full swing. Jay really did know everyone and he treated all people fairly. There were ass holes in the bunch, but he never lost it with them. They were few and far between, the ass holes. He rolled with any and all cliques. He could blend in and out of any crowd.

Julia tucked the kids in, Alex with his ipad, reading for the next day at school and Tatia with her blankie she'd slept with since she was born. Kisses all around, then she gathered her things and left to walk home. Louann drove her home though, not wanting to let her go alone in the dark to her house. Jess got to see where she lived and she was welcome any time, Julia told her.

She made small talk with Ellen and Andy while she did her own homework.  She did what she could, but her thoughts weren't with her homework. Her thoughts were with the kids and the distance between them. She had a lot of thinking to do ahead of her. She had to get herself back. She had to work back to the person she was, the girl at homecoming last year before the cabin trip, before the stalker, before Tavin, before the break up and the move and the miscarriage. Before the sadness and the doubts, before her spirit had been fractured into a million little pieces.

She showered and went to bed, falling asleep watching CNN. News centering on a flu like infection that had cropped up here and there across the nation. The commentator called it 'the new flu'. Hospital emergency rooms were gradually filling up and sending people home with a list of common treatments suitable for any flu like symptoms.

She awoke to Jay moving into her bed beside her. His hard on was poking her panties, which she slid down, allowing him to insert himself inside her. He made love to her from behind like that with Julia grinding back against him while he kissed her neck. His arms around her, one on her breast and one between her legs, fingering her while he moved in and out of her till he came. He continued to finger her til she came shortly after he did.

They lay quietly in the dark, the tv the only light on them.

"Julia, are you alright?"

"I'm fine." She'd answer automatically. "I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine."

"Define fine." Jay urged, snuggling into her blankets beside her.

"I love this time of night. When you come over and get in bed with me and hold me. I feel safe and happy and so fine. It's when time passes, the sun rises. I'm forced to get up and go through the day. I feel so lost, Jayson." She explained.

"I don't like seeing you like this."

"Desperate? Sad? Lost? Bored? Empty? I can't wait til this year is over. We have been through so much and I just am out of energy. I have been through hell, I was raped and can't tell anyone about it. And then all the rest that followed it, then we broke up and I shattered into a million pieces. Then we got back together. I have lost friends. I have lost my baby. I am desperately trying to figure out how not to lose myself. And I'm hurting with this bottomless sadness. There's the angel on one shoulder telling me to get up, go through the motions, better things are ahead of me. Then there's the devil on my other shoulder whispering sweet nothings in my ear. It's a constant battle between being strong and being weak."

"Well, fuck, Julia." Jay sighed, squeezing her tighter around her waist.

"How do you get through it? We shared all of this together, Jayson. How do you bounce back without losing your mind? Cause I'm jealous, babe."

"Maybe, Julia, maybe, have you considered maybe you're like bipolar or something? Maybe you need medication."

"I'm not bipolar. Jesus Christ."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know. I can see an end to this, Jayson. There's an end to it. A better end to it. Something different. I don't know what that is, but it's there somewhere." Julia explained. "Don't you think so?"

"It is what it is, we can't change it."

"So that's it? And you're ok with that as the excuse or an answer?"

"I have to be. There' s no other way to deal with shit, Julia. It just is what it is."

"It just is what it is." She repeated. "Why does it have to be the way it is?"

"Quit asking why. You can't control the why."

"Who does then?"

"God?" Jay suggested.

"Don't you dare pull that God stuff on me." Julia cautioned.

"Whatever you believe then. I don't know, babe. The universe? Karma? The yin and the yang? Or just bad fucking luck, Julia. Justify it any way you want."

"Trying to figure out the why is just avoiding the fact that it happened. I survived. Either way, I lived through it. There must be a reason, right?"

"The universe will let you know what that reason is one day. Just not today."

"Ok, then."