Chapter 18- Something to Hold Onto

"You've gotta come out of the basement, Julia. Get out of bed and get dressed. Get something to eat, go outside." Ellen said, standing by her bed.

"Leave me alone." Julia groaned. "Just leave me alone."

"You're wasting your time down here hiding, Julia. I know it's hard. Every girl goes through this. The first time is the hardest."

"Leave me alone."

"This is no way to live, Julia."

"Then leave me die." Julia answered sadly.

"You don't mean that." Ellen replied.

"Leave me alone. I'll be out when I want to come out."

Ellen left , climbing the steps to the first floor.

Jayson woke early as usual. He ran to the track at Mav West and worked out with Hayley. Her weight had started to drop and she slimmed fast. The more she worked out, the faster she got and she was able to keep up with Jay as he ran laps. Hayley learned early on that they run in silence. Jay wasn't a talker during his run, so she'd put in her ear buds and listen to music to motivate her. She noticed Jay had deviated off the track, but she kept going. As she ran she watched him as he stopped and started talking to Andy, Julia's step brother. It wasn't a long conversation, but it was a conversation that cut their workout short. Jay told her to keep going. He'd talk to her later.

"What did he want, Jay?" Hayley asked.

She received no reply as Jay continued his run off the track and away from her. Hayley opted not to follow him. 

"I know I probably shouldn't have come to you, but if it helps her out of whatever she's going through, then I want to help her." Andy told him.

"She's not doing good?" Jay asked. "I talked to her yesterday, but she cut me off."

"Well, she won't get outta bed. She won't come out of her room. She won't eat with us, but I think she comes upstairs after everyone goes to bed."

"And you think the baby will snap her out of it?" Jay asked as he stopped with Andy to unlock the front door.

"I think it'll give her a reason. My mom said she wants to die."

"I didn't know, Andy."

"She's not gonna tell you that." Andy told him. "She won't talk to anyone. She won't talk to your brother either."

"He's not my brother anymore."

Andy followed Jay into his house. It was dark and cool inside. Jay gathered up a bag and put some clothes inside for Tatia, tucked some of her favorite toys inside as well. She was awake, he heard her and Alex upstairs watching TV in the bedroom.

Jay lifted her out of the crib and got her dressed. He told Alex he'd be back in an hour. Jay got the umbrella stroller from the kitchen, then he told his grandmother he'd be back in an hour.

They took the bus to Mav West rather than walk in the summer heat. Jay and Andy talked on the bus, Jay tried explaining the situation, but Andy didn't want explanations. He wanted action. He needed someone to prove that they cared and he believed that Jay was that person. She hadn't seen the kids in a month. The longer that went on, the worse Julia felt. She wanted to go there and see them, but didn't want to see Jayson. She needed her space from him. She needed to be without him.

Andy walked him to the house that he'd never been inside. He released Tatia from her stroller, but she was nervous about going inside with Andy. She was clingy with Jay despite the fact Julia was inside, somewhere.

"Just come inside." Andy finally said. Jay scooped her up and they went in with her bag. Ellen sat at the kitchen table as they came in. She was surprised to see the lot of them together.

"What are you two doing?" Ellen asked curiously.

Andy turned to his mom." Getting Julia out of bed."

Andy opened the basement door and head down the steps. He turned the light switch on as he descended the stairs. Jay followed with Tatia, setting her on the floor at the bottom of the steps. Tatia walked around the room till she got to the bed, finding Julia by her red hair. She climbed up and crawled on top of her, which got her attention.

"Hey, baby girl." Julia smiled, giving her a hug. She sat up and looked over to Jay and Andy.

Jay walked across the room and set the bag of Tatia's stuff on her bed. "Bring her home when you're ready. If you need anything let me know."

"Ok, I will." Julia nodded. "Where's Alex?"

"Home, you want him too?" Jay asked.

"Well, yeah." She answered, looking at Andy.

"How about you two hang out today and I'll bring Alex by tomorrow. Cool?"

"Yeah, that's good. Fine. Yes." Julia nodded, letting Tatia go. Julia got out of her bed and followed the baby as she looked around the room. The corner caught her attention with some toys and books she'd already had there for her.

Jay and Andy left the girls, climbing the steps. Tatia seemed comfortable down there with Julia.

"Well?" Ellen asked as they came out of the basement.

"Well, she's up." Andy told her.

He walked Jay to the door, took the umbrella stroller from him. Before he left he agreed to bring Alex in the morning.

Jay returned home on the bus. He would have a few days off from the kids. Julia would have a purpose again other than wallowing in her depression. That would also open up a line of communication between them, Jay hoped. He spent his day with Alex, playing ball and hanging out like guys. They played Xbox and talked about girls even though girls weren't a big priority to his brother yet. Alex was more interested in Xbox. Jay was glad to have the time just with Alex. Tatia usually took up such a big part of his day. It was good giving time to Alex and not having to share that time with Tatia. He told Alex that he could go to Julia's the next day to spend time with her too.

"Why did you break up with her?"

"Sometimes people break up when they don't get along."

"It's because you get along with Hayley and not Julia. I don't like Hayley." Alex said.

"You know Hayley, Alex. Why don't you like her?"

"She doesn't treat us like Julia does."

"Julia is different from Hayley. And because we don't hang out anymore, doesn't mean you guys have to stop seeing her. Julia misses you and wants to hang out with you."

"Good, can I go now then?"

"It's almost time for bed." Jay answered.

"I can sleep there. Why can't I sleep there? You're taking me in the morning anyway. So just take me now. You already packed my bag, Jay."

"You really wanna go now, Alex?"

He nodded, "Yeah. I'll get my flip flops on."

Jay took Alex to Julia's house. Ellen left them down the basement, happy to see them, telling Jay that Julia had a great day with Tatia. Jay and Alex found the girls sitting on the bed in pajamas, watching SpongeBob. Snacks surrounded them. "Hey, bud. Come sit." Julia told Alex. "Welcome to girls' night."

Jay watched them a moment. He set Alex's bag on the floor beside Tatia's bag. He left without saying a word.

Jay left Julia's and head to Hayley's house. The lights were on in the back yard around the pool. Music was playing. Jay walked to the side of the pool and leaned on the four foot edge. Hayley saw him, looked a bit surprised, but swam toward him. Her wet hair back over her head, pretty blue eyes gazing at him. "What's up, Jay? What are you doing here?" She asked, standing in the water in front of him.

"Hayley, I can't see you anymore." He said. "I don't want to see you anymore."

"Jay, wait."

"Good bye, Hay."

Jay turned and walked out of her yard. As he heard the kitchen door slide open, someone walking onto the deck, voices speaking low in the yard. Jay stepped back through the gate and observed Chess by the pool, sitting on the edge of the deck with his feet in the water. "Is he gone?" He asked as he sat.

"Yeah, he's gone." Hayley said, swimming to the deck, hoisting herself up to sit beside him.

"Sorry, Hayley." Chess said, "He's gonna love her no matter what. It's not you."

"It's princess, Julia. It's always what she wants and what she needs. Even though she was gone and out of our lives for a few weeks, she was still there. Still between us, Chess." Hayley paused. "You got what you came for right?"

"Yeah, I got my shit. I'll see you around." Chess said, pulling his feet out of the water. He dried them off with a towel before putting his socks and shoes on. He grabbed his bag, finally having retrieved his stuff from his ex. He walked out of the yard and into his cousin who waited for him out front.

"I'm not fucking your girlfriend, if that's what you're thinking." Chess said sarcastically. "Just like I wasn't fucking your last girlfriend."

"Chess, I'm sorry for all this."

"Fuck you, Jay."

"You could talk to me, Chess. I want to talk to you. I have tried to talk to you."

"I don't want to hear anything you gotta say. I talked to Julia. I know what happened."

"Chess, we're family. I don't want it to be like this."

"Then you shouldn't have fucked my girlfriend." Chess said, walking past him. "And by the way, you and me, we aren't family anymore."

"Chess, I broke it off with her." Jay told him, following him.

"So what? Like I'd even take her back. I wouldn't even think about it." Chess said, turning to face him. "And unless you want another broken fucking face, I suggest you stop and go the other way."

Jay didn't pursue the issue or Chess any further.

For the first time in a very long time, he felt totally alone in the world. Only this time he had no one to blame but himself. For the first time ever, he thought about taking his own life. He had ruined his family. His actions broke everything apart. As Jay walked down Green Street to his grand mom's house, he glanced at the wood at the end of the street. He thought a minute about going there, digging up the lock box. The gun is right there, he thought. If I was gone, no one would notice or care. He opened a wound with Julia and Chess, the people that were closest to him. If he hadn't messed around with Hayley, he'd never have known about his brother and Julia. He would have been oblivious to  it all. He liked the idea of oblivion. Jay passed the house and edged closer to the wood. He'd nearly made it there when he got a text from Julia.

-thanks for bringing the kids, Jay.

-ur welcome

-i was in a bad place in my head. thinking the wrong things, thinking very dark things.

-kids asleep?

-yes

-do you need anything

-not now, no. i'm going to watch the kids sleep till i fall asleep. busy day 2mrw

-k. gn

Jay turned from his trek toward the wood. He went home to his quiet and virtually empty house. He played some Xbox, got a shower, and as he was about to pop the last 2 Percocet he had in his pill bottle he heard a noise from upstairs. He set the bottle on the kitchen counter, then head up to check out what the noise was. It sounded like someone had fallen. He checked his grand mom's room first. He knocked, then turned the knob, it was locked. He banged on the door, before breaking it in. Once inside he found her laying on the floor motionless, her face blue. She wasn't moving.

"Fuck," Jay swore.

He reached for the phone on her table next to the bed then called 911. Jay checked for a pulse, he felt none. He breathed for her a couple times, watching her chest rise and fall. He explained to the 911 operator what was happening, then set down the phone, leaving it off the hook. He started pressing on her chest like he had learned in Health class. He pressed till her ribs fractured beneath the weight of him and even then he continued. When the medics arrived, they took over by placing a tube in her throat and breathing for her. The monitor said she had a rhythm. He had brought her back the medic said, making him cease chest compressions. "She's back, kiddo. Good job."

The police officer pulled him aside and took him downstairs. "Where's your parents, Jayson?"

"Really?" He asked. "She's my grandmom."

"I know, where's your mom?"

"In jail."

"Your dad?"

"That's funny, ask my mom." Jay answered.

"What I need to know who do you need to call to make medical decisions? An adult."

"Aunt Sandy."

Sandy met Jay at the emergency room entrance. He'd waited outside because the ER was freaking him out. Sandy arrived and went inside with him to the back where her mother, his grandmother, lay on a hospital gurney. They were in the middle of doing their work up, she lay intubated and heavily sedated to prevent her from pulling out the tube in her throat. She'd already tried twice. Initially the lab work pointed to a heart arrhythmia that caused the heart to stop beating. She was transferred to the cardiac ICU for monitoring.

"What happened Jay?"

"I was gonna go to bed. I heard her fall. I went upstairs and I found her. She didn't have a pulse and she wasn't breathing. I brought her back. And here we are." He explained.

"Where are the kids?"

"With Julia."

"Is she here?"

"No, she's had Tatia all day and I took Alex over tonight."

"Well, you're coming home with me tonight. We'll stop by and get your-"

"No, I'm not. I'll be ok at home."

"Jay, you don't know how long she's going to be here and you're coming with me."

Jay crashed on the sofa when they got to the house around 4am. He was woken up at 9 by Chess asking his dad why Jay was asleep in the living room. Uncle John explained why, then demanded he call a truce. "Enough of this, Chester. No girl is worth this drama. And there are a million other ones where she came from. There are girls and then there's easy girls. You don't want an easy one."

"This is bullshit. Where's mom?"

"The whole story is bullshit. You're all lying, dirty, selfish whores. One is just as bad as the other." Ray said from his seat at the kitchen table where he ate his cereal. "I'm glad I am not involved in this." He added, shaking his head.

"You're mother is back at the hospital. And she doesn't need to hear you guys complaining anymore. You all need to let this go." Uncle John said. "10 years from now, none of this will matter. All of you will be with different people and this will be a memory."

"10 years."

"Deal with it now. Make it right or it will never go away."

Jay felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. Hayley was pissed he didn't show up for the run at Mav West. He ignored her. -where are you- she asked again.

I'm in hell, Jay thought, deleting the text.

Jay got up from the couch then went home. They were too busy arguing in the kitchen to notice he'd left.

After 3 days, dad told Julia the kids needed to go home. When Tatia woke from her nap, she took the kids to the park. She watched them run and play for a couple hours, then walked the Square and bought Icee's to cool off. Back at Jay's house no one was home. Julia let herself in with her key. The house was dark and hot.

"Where are they, Julia?"

"I don't know." She answered Alex as they stood in the hall. They looked at the broken bedroom door. "I'll get hold of your brother and find out. Let's go back down stairs."

Julia turned the air on to cool the house down, got the kids their baths and changed into pajamas. Julia made them fish sticks and tater tots for supper and while they ate started cleaning the house up. She'd never seen it such a mess. And where was Jay? He didn't answer her text message. He didn't answer the phone when she called him. She went to voice mail. What the hell happened? She wondered.

The hours passed, Julia tucked the kids in bed, read them a story as she usually did. She turned their fan on and left the night light on. Julia called home and let Ellen know where she was, that she couldn't get hold of Jay. She was staying with the kids.

Julia showered, put on one of Jay's Nike tees and started laundry.

Jay came home, surprised to see her there. He walked into a cool, clean house with a pretty girl waiting on him and sleeping kids. That's all he wanted in life. Simple as that. No more and no less. "Phone's dead." He told her, plugging it in to the charger.

"You ok? What the hell happened upstairs?"

Jay sat next to her on the floor where she paired up socks and folded clothes. He helped her fold while he replayed the scene that unfolded a few days before. Sandy wanted him at her house, but he didn't feel welcome there. The days that had passed he spent either at the hospital, Sandy's and Mr G's at night.

"How is your grandmom, Jay?"

"In a coma. They put her in one, it's called medically induced. They're going to bring her out of it in the morning and see how she does. I broke a lot of ribs, plus she has pneumonia, so her lungs are shit. They tried to take her out a couple times, but she couldn't come off the ventilator. The docs told Sandy that if she didn't come out of it soon, more permanent decisions will need to be explored."

"Permanent like what?"

"They'll tell us tomorrow."

The laundry folded and in the basket, Jay kicked off his shoes and socks.

"Thanks for all this, taking care of me. You didn't have to."

"It needed to be done, Jay." Julia shrugged. "I think it's what I do best. Take care of people."

"You are good at making sure we're taken care of. You like know what we need before we need it." Jay told her. "I wish I knew what you need before you need it."

"There's no way to know that, Jay."

"Andy said you want to die."

"No, it wasn't like that. I didn't care if I lived or died. But I wasn't going to do anything stupid."

"What did you guys do for three days?" Jay asked.

"Other than eat and hang out and play and watch TV and play ball and run and go to the park. Not much."

"I Missed them."

"You could have come by, you could have called or got them."

"And I told you to bring them home when you were ready. It wasn't about me. It was about you, Julia. It's all about you. It's always about you. Everything and every thought and...it's about you."

Julia stared at him, "Hayley, was she about me too?"

"No, that was about me." Jay answered. "I broke it off with her. After I dropped the kids off. I went over her house and broke up with her."

"Why?"

"Cause your pain is because I am with her. That if you were like that, the way I saw you when I dropped of Tatia, because of me and her, then I couldn't do it anymore. Even if I'm not with you, I won't do anything ever again to hurt you. Then I can be free of this horrible guilt I feel." Jay paused. "I did that without knowing about you and my brother. I didn't have a clue. I trusted you without even thinking about it."

"Me too. I trusted you without even thinking about it, never doubting you would hurt me like that. It's all just over though, Jay. Tavin's in Pittsburgh and Hayley is wherever the fuck Hayley is. I'm going to always be here for the kids. I can't believe I let them go for so long. I feel so bad about that. Facing you only would have made it worse, Jay."

"What was it about Tavin? Because I want to forgive him."

"Jay, I don't-"

"I do." Jay said, raising his voice.

"He listened to me."

"I listen to you. What made you take your clothes off and get in bed with him?"

"What made me get into bed with you that first time? I guess it was the same thing. Can you put a word to what that feels like?"  I wanted it. He wanted it. We wanted it. And we wanted a lot of it...she thought.

Julia got up and threw the clothes in the dryer. "Hey they'll be done soon. Then I'll go."

"It's late, Jules. Just crash here. I don't want you out this late alone."

"Jay, I'll be fine." She called from the laundry room.

"Nope. Which do you want? The couch or the bed?" He asked, gathering a change of clothes.

"Couch."

Julia settled on the sofa, covering with a throw and watching Law and Order: SVU. She'd moved Jay's fan into the back porch and turned it on to keep him cool. He came downstairs, disappeared to his bed. Julia spent the first half of the TV show debating in her head whether or not to hook up with Jay. It'd be so easy just to call his name, but why would he even want to or care? Why should she? She cautioned herself against letting her feelings lead her around. She told herself to stop, keep her mouth shut. Mind her own business. But he lay alone so close. This is why she avoided him. This is why she didn't want any kind of contact with him the last month. Julia got up and went into the laundry room for her clothes. She couldn't be near Jay thinking like she was still his girlfriend, like she still had any claim to him, like she even mattered like that to him anymore.

"Jules, what the hell are you doing?"

"Getting the clothes out of the dryer."

"If you wanna leave, call your dad. I can't let you leave here by yourself."

"I don't wanna leave, but doesn't this feel weird?" She asked, folding the clothes from the dryer and placing them in the basket.

"What's so weird about it?" Julia stood in his doorway looking through the darkness into his room. She could make out his silhouette laying on the mattress. "You slept here a hundred times, Jules."

"Yeah, you're right. At least a hundred times." She agreed.

"Are we gonna do this all night? You stand there and I keep guessing till I figure you out?"

"No, Jay. God. I-I..."

"Do you wanna smoke, Julia? You need to chill the fuck out."

Jay turned on his lamp and pulled a joint from the shelf above his bed. They stood in the porch doorway, sharing the joint. Jay pointed out that she was wound up tight, skittish, nervous. Jay had that effect on her. She found herself fumbling over her words and thoughts. Inside she knew what she wanted to say and do, but getting that out so it made sense was difficult. She was unsure if she wanted to. She was tired of acting a certain way with him. There was only one way she knew how to be with Jay and that was close and touching. Deviating into new territory she wasn't sure how to behave with him in the friend zone.

"Better?" Jay asked, taking her hand and pulling her back inside.

"Much. Yes." She replied. She stood in front of him on the step up into the kitchen. Standing there she was nearly as tall as he was. "So, we're really just friends now?" She asked, putting her hands on his shoulders.

"If that's what you want." He replied, placing his hands on her hips.

"What do you want, Jay?"

"I can't believe all of this has been for nothing... to lose it all because of some stupid shit we both did."

"We can't make promises we won't keep, Jay. How are we supposed to trust each other?"

"I'm not talking you into anything, Julia. I can't. You have to think about what you want. When you figure it out, then-" Jay moved his hands from her hips and backed away from her. He laid back down on his bed. "I'm not doing this all night. I won't. I'm done talking."

"Even though there's still things to talk about?"

"There's tomorrow, then the next day."

Julia stepped into the porch, sat on the edge of his bed. She held his hand in hers. She made herself comfortable next to him, still holding onto his hand. She had to hold on to something.

Chapter 17 Not Now, But Eventually

Julia walked the short path to the door, opened it and let herself in. Jay was knocked out on the sofa, a fan stood at the side of the couch. He stirred, but was high on Percocet. Julia leaned over him, touching his bandage over the bridge of his nose. She fetched a bag of frozen peas from his freezer, wrapped it in a hand towel and placed it on his forehead.

"I thought you were done taking care of me." He said, sitting up as he held the ice pack to his forehead.

"Old habits are hard to break." She shrugged, taking a seat beside him. She took his hand. "We need to talk, Jay."

"So talk."

"First I wanna say I'm sorry. I went too far and I should not have put my hands on you." Julia apologized. "Thanks for not having me arrested."

"Hayley's mom called the cops." Jay said, adjusting the peas on his forehead. "And the ambulance. I spent the morning in the ER while they tortured me, realigned my nose and fed me Jell-O. On the up side they hit me up with some really good morphine through the IV that was in my arm."

"Jay, I can't say sorry enough and the second time was a complete accident."

"I know. I accept your apology." He told her. "What do you want, Julia?"

"We should do what we always do. Talk. Lay it all out there, everything. No secrets and go from there."

"Can you do that? I can. I don't have a problem with you knowing everything."

"Well, I think I can, but some things I say may hurt you."

"Can I get any more hurt than I already am? You know, after everything that happened yesterday and all the pain and drama I went through, the only thing I could think about was you being with some other guy."

"Some other guy? Well, join the club cause all I could think about was you laying up with fat Hayley."

"Who was he, Julia? I deserve to know."

She argued. "I over stepped boundaries with him. It was totally mutual and he shouldn't be punished for it. It was my decision."

"I like that you're owning up, Julia, but this is not total honesty, it's not laying it all out there."

"It was New Years weekend, Jay." Julia answered. "And the day we all went to see your mom in jail."

Jay was quietly thinking. Julia knew he'd put two and two together, if he thought long enough. He said nothing for a long while, but he did let go of her hand. He had tears coming down his cheeks, he cried without making a noise. "Truck night."

"I love him, Jay." She whispered. "Not more than you, but different than you. At first it was just chatting on face book, then it was texting, then both. We talk on the phone every night. I haven't seen him since he drove away."

"I thought it was Chess."

"Hayley knew. She went through my phone. Found out after New Years, but before truck night. Initially I broke things off with him. I stopped talking to him and hadn't till we went to see Karen. Then we picked up from truck night. But I haven't seen him since then."

Jay got up and went outside. "I need air." He said, as he threw the ice pack on the floor. Julia followed him as he walked away, down Green Street, past her house with its new tenants. Jay stood where Caleb's house once stood. The place had been razed and leveled. A flat empty space left in that spot.

"We, you and me, haven't been right since that night, Julia."

"I can't change it, Jay. I know you blame me. I know you felt put in a spot for me. And I appreciate everything you did and what you have gone through for me."

"But you don't listen to me. It doesn't matter if you think you and I did the right thing. You know it. And there's no room for any argument or any opinion that differs from yours."

"I can't handle it, Jay. I have to think that we did the right thing and stand by that choice. If I don't, he wins. If I don't, then it means that what I went through meant nothing. It felt good, Jayson, and maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe he had an effect on me that I am not aware of yet, but that whole thing changed me."

"I don't blame you. I know he shoulders the blame. I know he was wrong and what he did was evil. I know right from wrong, and hindsight is 20/20. We should have left and called the police. That was the right thing to do. What we did brought us to his level. We played God, Jules. It wasn't right."

"But it was right!" Julia yelled. "No one forced you to do anything that night. Or any of you. You made a choice that you can't go back on. God, Jay. I am so tired of explaining this to you."

"But there's no fucking room for us to explain it to you."

"Us? You mean you and her." Julia asked. "How dare you side with her?"

"I'm not siding with anyone, but I understand her."

"Would you kill for her? For Tatia? Alex?"

"Yes." He answered without hesitating.

"Then how dare you even look back and think you did the wrong thing? Falling for her drama. Dammit, I told you that night we all sat and looked at those books she was bullshit. Fucking drama queen. After they left and after all that and she was fine. Jay, I talked to her. I felt her out. She played you. And you fucking fell for it."

"It's not like that, Julia. She's hurting."

"Fuck her." She yelled. "Why didn't you tell me? There's nothing you can't tell me. You don't think I would have been there for you? After all we have been through?"

"You would have been pissed."

"But I would have had a choice. I didn't get a choice."

"What choice did I have when you were in bed with my brother, Julia?" Jay asked. "What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that I had a connection with this guy. This wonderful, funny, smart, lovable guy. It just happened, Jay. No thoughts, no doubts, no fears. It didn't feel wrong till after it was over and the only part that felt wrong was cutting him out of my life." She explained. "God, I feel horrible for this, but I love him. I thought about leaving with him. When he left I missed him. When he left, he took my heart with him. He still fucking has it. Can you say the same?"

"Why did you fucking stay then? Why didn't you just go?"

"Because of you, Alex and Tatia." Julia answered. "Jay, he's all the same things to me that you are. I didn't want to leave you alone. You needed me."

"And now? I still need you. I still love you. This is tearing me apart."

"I still love you, Jayson, that hasn't changed. You're my first everything. My love, my lover, my rock, my friend. If I didn't have you, I would have lost my fucking mind."

"But what you say and how you act are two different things."

"You too, Jayson."

"Were we together because we had no one else?"

"And we found other people that we connect with on a whole different level?"

Jay took Julia's hand and walked back to his house. They sat on the steps for a long while without saying a word, sitting there crying the both of them. Julia couldn't take it anymore. She got up and kissed his forehead. "Bye, Jay."

He didn't let go of her hand, didn't want to let go of her hand. He stood and pulled her into his arms, holding her a moment. He put his chin on her head. She could feel his tears dropping on her. "I don't hate you, babe. We'll get through this. Not now, but eventually."

Chapter 16- Let The Pieces Fall

Early May Julia arrived home and found the for sale sign in her front yard with a bright red 'sold' tag hanging on it. Her dad had let it be a surprise. He sold it below what he had asked for it. The money he earned for the sale, he and Ellen planned on putting on a new house together.

Julia had visions of living happily ever after as a blended family. Her dad didn't appreciate her humor in that regard, but wanted both her and Andy to have input on the house they would choose. Cal and Ellen spent a weekend dragging them from one open house to the next all over the expanse of Maverick. He and Ellen had chosen several different places according to their budget, then let the kids in on the real estate treasures they'd found. Ellen chauffeured them from place to place in her Toyota Prius. They'd been through 7 places and Julia was bored out of her mind. She'd seen the pricier side of ghetto that day. Losing hope and faith they arrived at the 8th place. They felt defeated, but dragged themselves out of the air conditioned Prius into June heat. They stood before the split level single home on a cul-de-sac. Three bedrooms, a finished basement, 2 bathrooms, large back yard. Julia toured the house with Andy, examining each and every room, trying to decide whether she'd fit into it. She liked the finished basement. Private side entrance to the back yard, roomy and clean. The typical cellar things like pipes, heater, and hot water heater were secluded.

Cable and internet hook up. They toured the house again as a family. Julia and Andy pointed out what they liked. When they left they all appeared agreeable that they'd found their new home and Cal and Ellen were prepared to put in a bid.

The better part of May had been involved with moving. Bidding, buying, packing. Julia woke up to boxes, empty ones, piled outside her bedroom door when she woke up. She was expected to fill the boxes by the end of the day. There was an entire house that needed packing. They lived off the bare essentials till the move, because Julia filled the boxes like she was told.

Ellen took her to the Goodwill where Julia shopped for old furniture. She found abandoned treasures of all shapes and sizes. An old army footlocker. A couple chairs with patterned seats, a table for her chairs. She found a fold out love seat, full size, a couple cool lamps, and a slew of other decorative furnishings like pictures, clocks, cool knick-knacks. Julia left there feeling like she'd hit the lottery. When Ellen asked her to go furniture shopping, Ellen had visions of IKEA. In fact she nearly gagged when she heard they were visiting the Goodwill.

She wanted to drive Julia to the local furniture store to choose a new bed, but Julia declined. She didn't want anything expensive and new. Ellen had another idea though, and drove to a second hand store just past the Square. It was a pretty big store in an old warehouse that had higher end second hand furniture. Julia fell in love with a queen size bed that was half the price of a new one that would eventually succumb to wear and tear. Ornately carved head board and matching foot board that came with a tall dresser and a standing mirror. To Julia heavy meant well made. At the end of a long day of shopping, nothing would fit in the Prius. but dad had a truck he'd rented for the move. Cal and Jay went to the Goodwill and picked up her purchases in the rented truck. The second hand store agreed to hold Julia's new room and deliver it the on moving day.

Dad had a few of the guys from the bar move them in the week after school ended.  Once her stuff was in the basement she didn't come out till everything was put away and in its place. They'd ordered out for dinner and Julia ate in peace in the basement. She took pictures and sent them to Jay. As she took her pics, she realized she had no windows. She was in near seclusion. Her dad and Ellen had stopped in a couple times to check on her progress. They were impressed with the way she'd set everything up and how neat her room looked with her goodwill treasures. Andy finished up what he felt like finishing then flopped on her bed, watching TV with her, and that's where they both fell asleep.

Julia woke up around 6am. Andy lay curled up on her bed, still knocked out. Julia changed into shorts and a tee. She laced up her running shoes. With any luck she'd meet up with Jayson before he left for his morning run. Julia stretched in her room, listening to CNN before she left. Andy stirred from his spot on the bed. He asked where she was going.

"Running. Gonna meet up with Jayson." She answered. "See you later." She smiled, tucking her phone into her sports bra, then putting on her head phones. Going to meet up with Jayson hadn't worked out for her like she'd thought. She made it to the track at Mav West. Hanging on the court, stretching, waiting for him to arrive. She watched through the fence from above the field, watched as Hayley arrived to the field, watched as she stretched and sipped water from one of two water bottles. Fat Hayley, Julia thought. Maybe Jay was helping her out to drop some of the pounds she gained? Julia thought as Hayley stood alone on the track. She started a couple laps on her own by the time that Jayson got there. Julia watched as the two hugged hello, gave each other a peck on the cheek. She decided to hang back and watch the two of them work out, thinking Jay didn't need to start a whole workout class. Julia sat on the bench by the fence taking in their work out, was about to leave all together when they stopped and sat, then laid in the grass by the bleachers. She watched them hold hands, watched as he pulled her to him.

"No way." Julia sighed to herself, doubting the course that the conversation had taken. She couldn't believe her eyes as he held her and it took everything inside her at that moment not to go down there. They eventually stood up from the grass, started walking away with each other. Julia quietly followed them, staying back a safe distance. Their embrace, their kisses, the hands-his hands-on her ass. "Son of a bitch." Julia cursed. She watched Hayley run away from him. He stood there by himself a minute before pulling his tee off and looping it around his head to catch his sweat. The workout he gave Hayley was a light one and he had a run home ahead of him. He set out pretty quick and Julia gave chase.

She caught up to him at the Square where he waited on the light.

"Hey," Jay said, taken aback by the sudden appearance of Julia at his side.

"Hey," Julia said, catching him even more off guard with the fist that met his face. She caught him hard on his nose, feeling a slight crunch beneath her fingers. Blood gushed everywhere.

"What the fuck, Julia?" He gasped, grabbing his face.

Julia struck again and again before he finally put enough distance between them, telling her to stop. "What the fuck, Jay?!" She screamed at him.

Jay pulled his tee off his head and held it to his nose. "You broke my god damn nose, Julia."

"I'm gonna break your god damn neck, Jayson!" She screamed. "How long, Jay? How long have you and Hayley been fucking around?"

"April, Julia, since April." He answered quickly. "How about you?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" She asked angrily. She thought of Tavin. She thought of Hayley knowing about Tavin. She must have told Jay," What did she tell you, Jay?"

"Be honest with me. You tell me."

"Fuck. She told you?"

"She told me nothing, Julia. She told me to ask you. To be honest with you." Jay yelled, his body reeling from the pain as he straightened his nose. "Who was it Julia?"

"None of your business. Fuck you, Jayson. A mistake is a mistake, but months long fucking is something else."

"No, you don't get away this easy. Who was it?" Jay demanded.

Julia started walking away from him, crying, her mind convulsing from having caught and been caught. Jay followed her as she angrily stalked back toward the school, past the school. She was going after Hayley.

"Leave her alone, Julia!"

"Fuck you." Julia yelled through tears. Anger and resentment coursed through her at that moment. All she wanted to do was face Hayley.

"Jules, calm down and let's talk." He plead with her. Julia kept walking, but held up her middle finger back towards him. Julia arrived at Hayley's house, marched up the path to the door, screaming for Hayley to come outside. "Julia, we can work this out."

Hayley came outside, saw Jay with the blood covering him. He'd started to swell around his eyes.

"We can work this out, Hayley, what do you think?"

"Oh, my god, Julia. What did you do to him?"

Julia leaped toward her, grabbing her hair. She pulled her arm back to strike when Jay rushed from behind her to hold her from punching. Her elbow hit him in the very same nose she broke at the Square. Jay let off a blood curdling scream. More blood. Julia got behind Hayley and shoved her toward Jay.

"You take care of him. Cause I AM DONE." She cried. "I am done with both of you."

Julia went home. She had thrown Andy out of her room and showered, washing off Jay's blood and washing away her tears. Her eyes were red from crying. She'd been crying for hours. As soon as she stopped, she started again. All she could do was think, and she didn't want to think. She wanted to escape. She finally understood what Jay meant about running away. Her cell had been ringing off the hook, cell message alerts over and over, but she didn't care, she just turned off the phone.

Ellen and her father both visited her after she got home and both for different reasons. Ellen wanted to comfort her and help her through what was a horrible experience, first love ending. She patted her arm, told her a few stories about her past. She tried to soothe the ache she felt. Ellen had no idea what was going on, except she was experiencing a break up. To Ellen the circumstances didn't matter, it all felt the same. Cal got a call from Jay's uncle John before leaving for work. She got a lecture about physical violence. "You broke the boy's nose, Julia. Twice."

"The second time was an accident, dad. I swear."

"That was dirty, Julia. I didn't know you had it in you, but that was dirty. You keep your hands to yourself."

Chess showed up at her house out of no where. She heard a knock on her side door, then someone opening the door. He came in and sat down in her big comfy chair. Chess kicked off his flip flops and propped his feet on her bed. He looked angry. He looked beat up. He looked sad. A mixed bag of emotions. He dropped his string bag on the bed, opened it and pulled a bottle out.

"Thought you could use this." He said sullen, twisting off the lid. "Cause I sure can use some."

Julia sat up in bed, reached for the bottle and took a swallow. "Thanks, Chess."

"So you wanna tell me what happened today? Cause I got the story from my mom, okay. My mom. Hayley broke up with me through a text message. Jay spent the morning in the emergency room cause you fucked up his nose. Thanks for kicking his ass by the way."

"Cheers." Julia smiled, holding up the bottle.

Julia detailed the events of that morning while they shared the bottle of mad dog.

"Who'd you sleep with, Julia?"

"I can't say, Chess."

"Well, people are thinking it's me. My mom accused me of hooking up with you."

"Chess, I'd like to leave him out of this."

"Yo, is it your brother?"

"My brother? Oh, you mean Andy? No. He's not my type."

"Am I your type?" Chess asked, alcohol soaking his breath.

"Not really. But you wanna have some really hot revenge sex that we can regret in the morning?"

"Serious, Julia?" He asked.

"Hell, no. I am not serious." She giggled. "I'm not having revenge sex with you, Chess."

"How about a revenge blow job?"

"Nope." She laughed.

"Hand job?"

"Nope." She laughed. "Go home, Chess."

Chess gathered his stuff and put his flip flops back on. Julia turned her phone back on as she walked Chess to the basement entrance. He glanced at the screen, missed calls, voice mails and message alerts from Tavin, Hayley, Jay, himself, Cass.

"It was Tavin." Chess said, pointing to the screen.

Julia gave him a hug, then a gentle push out her door. "Thanks for hanging out with me, Chess."

"It was him. The brother." Chess pointed at her.

"Bye, Chess. Love you too."

Julia hadn't seen Tavin since the night he drove the truck away from Maverick. They'd resumed texting and chatting, sending pics back and forth, but seeing each other face to face hadn't occurred. His life had gone on and her life continued as it usually did. In addition to school during the day, three nights a week he went to the local community college and studied for an EMT certification. He had ended his probation in December and he'd completed six months without another infraction, so his record was cleared by the judge. That very judge hailed him as a success for the new at risk youth program. He'd continued with counseling and group meetings, achieved a B average in school. He advanced his life with the programs and assistance he'd received instead of making excuses and continuing to be a problem in society. He'd graduated from high school, turned 18 and readied himself to take the test for his EMT certification. He'd also started to see someone named Callie. Julia felt pangs of jealousy, because in some insane way she considered him hers. He had reminded her that she had to deal with that envy like he had to deal with it because she belonged to Jay.

But she didn't belong to Jay anymore. She didn't belong to anyone.

"Are you guys ok there, Red?" Tavin asked. "I been calling you all day."

"I am as good as I can be."

"Julia, does he know everything?"

"I didn't tell him it was you." Julia answered.

"He was with Hayley? Really?"

"It's true, Tavin." Julia replied. "Listen, I need to think. I'm going to sleep cause I'm fucking wasted right now. I just wanted to let you know that it'll all be ok. Eventually, it'll be alright."

"I wanna be there with you, but I have my cert in the morning."

"Go get your cert then. Call me after."

"I wanna see you."

"And Callie. What's Callie gonna say? You have a life there. Don't fuck it up over me. You can't ok. Just let the pieces fall, Tavin. I love you."

"Let the pieces fall, Julia? The pieces are my family, you are my family."

"And I will fix this." Julia swore. "I'll make yesterday right tomorrow."

Chapter 15- Choices

Live. Breathe. Suffer. Survive. It was kill or be killed for her. The sight of Julia nude and bruised as she sat in his shower that night reminded him how helpless he truly was. Despite cutting Caleb's throat and letting the life bleed from him, he still hung in the air like the smoke from the fire hung in the air the days after the house burned. The several months that had passed brought him no relief. He still felt the blade in his palm. He still felt the warmth of the blood on his hands. He'd washed it off, but it stained his soul. Life should be taken by those who can deal with it, and Jay was finally at a point where he was ready to admit to himself he couldn't handle it. "You can't do anything for the dead." He reminded himself. He racked his brain trying to think of something, anything to make this right in his mind. Short of the truth, short of digging up the bodies and letting them rest he could think of nothing. Julia and Chess seemed to be the people that could let it go and move on. He and Hayley couldn't. They spent time together talking and letting their feelings out to each other.  Hayley on the surface seemed shallow at times, but she had a good heart underneath. She was sensitive and funny, didn't judge his moods or his thoughts. Julia would never sit and listen to him go on about the guilt he had. He decided it was not about the person, it was about right and wrong. They made the wrong choice, he believed. He chose to execute him. She chose to burn the house down and any trace of Caleb Downing being in Maverick that night. Hindsight was 20/20. Jay was sure the solution was the books that Julia kept. She refused to burn them, kept them for a reason. Jay felt that reason was to make things right, make some good come of something bad.

After that night with the diaries of Caleb there was a silent vow made between the 4 of them never to mention it again. Julia had changed, in part due to the trauma, but in part due to the actions they'd taken. She was colder in her heart, she was right in her mind. They all played a game that they won, no questions and no discussion. Jay had been right about Hayley all along, the sensitive and emotional side had erupted. Even though months had passed, there was a rift between them that Julia and Chess had built.

At first they sat together at school, but the more they hung out together, the closer they got. Alone and together. Jay never backed off Hayley, keeping her spirits up and keeping her close was a full time job. In the beginning she was more needy than he'd expected, a complete basket case. She'd imprisoned herself in her head, seeking a refuge at home and shunning her friends and herself. Jay started visiting her at night after Julia disconnected them. They hadn't been right together since she recruited Tavin to get rid of the truck, information which he'd kept from Hayley. If Caleb succeeded in accomplishing anything, it was tearing them apart, making them choose sides, realigning them like the big bang realigned stars and planets.

He also knew Julia had to deal with being raped. He encouraged her to talk about it. He encouraged her to let him in to her head, but she denied him. The lack of sex hadn't been the issue. It never was, he just wanted her to deal with it and stop denying what happened to her. When she did let him touch her, she was cold and withdrawn, going through the motions. She kept saying his name like she had to separate herself from Caleb Downing while making love to Jayson. She only loosened up and made love when she was drunk or stoned, but when she sobered up, she'd cry herself to sleep. She refused to be touched, only saying that she felt dirty and it wasn't his fault.

Jay only comforted Hayley at first and vice versa. They talked, hung out, smoked some sick weed, reminisced and tried to forget. As time passed they progressed from friends to more than friends.

They sat by the track in the grass. Not a soul in sight.

"Jayson, we don't always make the right choices in life. You live, you make choices, sometimes the wrong ones. Then you learn from those choices, never making the same choice again. It's life, Jayson."

"This is our life, Hayley. What bad choice will we make next?"

"We can't live thinking that every choice we make will be the wrong one. We have to trust ourselves, right?"

"Yeah, you're right."

Jay leaned back in the grass, the morning dew wetting his tee shirt, but in the June morning humidity, the dampness was cool against his skin.  Hayley laid back too, her hand brushing against his. Jay intertwined his fingers in hers, holding her hand loosely till she matched his grip. They lay quietly a bit, distracted by the sounds of the morning at an empty school next to an empty track.

"Hayley,"

"Yeah, Jay."

Jay squeezed her hand, pulled her against him on her side.

"We came here to run, Hayley."

"I need to get this weight off me. I been getting fat." She frowned.

"Not true. You grew a booty." He laughed.

"None of my clothes fit me, Jay. I can't even get in a bikini. I have a fat roll." She sighed, disappointed in her self. "All I been doing is getting high and eating. Jay, you know you can't tell me I haven't got big."

"Well, let's get up and do this. Every day for the summer. You should have that bikini body by September."

Jay stood up, then pulled Hayley to her feet. They spent the early morning running. Jay ran circles around her, but she was admittedly out of shape. Honestly, Hayley had plumped up like a Thanksgiving turkey. She wore it well and had a positive attitude about dropping her pounds. Jay swore attitude would get her over her hump.

"You did good, Hay. Tomorrow morning, same time, same place. Drink lots of water and no junk. Stay off the weed, that may help."

"It's my solace, Jay."

"Stay away from your solace, Hayley. At least till that ass is gone."

"Great." She sighed. "I can't believe I let myself get so out of control."

Hayley had tears in her eyes. She turned to start home. Jay followed along side of her.

"Don't you think you beat yourself up enough? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get angry."

"Jayson, look at me." She yelled.

"Hayley, you're still hot. God, you act like you're 100 pounds over weight. It's not that big of a deal."

"It's a huge deal to me." Hayley got close to him, kissed his cheek. "I love you, you know."

He grabbed her waist, hugging her against him. His hands slid down over her ass, gripping her tight.

"Jay, we're taking a huge risk here." Hayley cautioned him.

"Hayley, we already crossed the line."

"Jay, where is this going? Other than over the line?" Hayley asked, cupping his face in her hands. She kissed his lips softly.

"Why does it have to go anywhere?"

"Because I have feelings and needs. Because I love you. Because I am tired of sneaking around with you. Just because."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't know what to say when a girl says she loves you and wants more. Are you just playing me, Jay? Is this all an act?"

"It's not, Hayley. No way. Don't feel like that. What do you want me to do? It's about more than me and you. Chess is my cousin. And Julia, she's like a mom to the kids. We're family. We are all family."

"Jay, Chess will still be your cousin and Julia will still love the kids. You are not married to her."

"She's everything to me, Hay."

"Babe, if she was everything, then you wouldn't be here holding me."

"I need to think, Hayley. I don't-"

"Jay, you know what-"She pulled away from his embrace. Started walking with him. "I don't think your relationship is as strong as you think it is. It's crumbling around you. What it was in  the beginning was stuff we all dream of, Jay. But it's ruined. The both of you ruined that."

"She hasn't done anything wrong, Hayley. It's me. I am the one who's sleeping with you. I am the one that ruined everything."

"Jayson, with everything that has happened the last few months, you can't blame yourself for everything. It's both of you."

"But she-"

"She isn't what you think, Jay. You don't have all the facts. You need to talk to her and both of you need to be honest with each other. And not about Caleb Downing."

"What are you talking about?"

"I can't say, but if you're honest with each other and you love each other, then make a decision based on complete honesty." Hayley said. She gave him another kiss, then started running home before he could see her tears.

Chapter 14- When You Think No One Is Looking

Jay stepped into the morning sun, the white snow only made the surroundings brighter. He stretched for his morning run, focusing his sight on the burned shell of the house at the end of Green Street. The odor of smoke and burnt structure still hung in the morning air. The police tape still hung and it the house had a rent-a-fence around it. It'd been a few weeks since the place burned. Rumor had it that the wreckers were coming in the beginning of the following week.

Jay's run that morning took him to Walmart. He walked the aisles, looking for the lock boxes. Finally asked for help from one of the associates. There were 20 choices and the one he chose cost 25.88. It appeared to have a sturdy lock, which was what he wanted. He stuffed the Walmart bag into his empty back pack once outside then took off for home. He went in his room and reached onto the shelf above his bed. He placed the gun inside a gallon sized zip lock bag, the hunting knife in its sheath that he'd used to take Caleb Downing's life and he placed both weapons inside the lock box. He closed it, locked it and then buried the box a couple feet deep by an evergreen tree in the wooded area at the end of his street. 

Julia still had the marble notebooks, the diaries of Caleb as she called them, that outlined his killing spree that spanned 2 decades. She wasn't sure what to do with them yet.  They'd taken revenge on him for every victim in that book. But families still mourned them, had no closure, had no bodies to bury. The loss was an open wound every day, wondering and worrying, hoping for the best and fearing the worst. Julia had escaped him. She'd have made it out of that house whether or not Jay had come there to help her or not. She would have survived with or without him. But cutting his throat felt good, felt right. He wanted to do that from the beginning of their strange journey. He thought about it, had gone through the should haves and could haves every day of his life since his identity had been learned, since he made the abduction attempt. If he'd caught him that day, he would have slaughtered him in the street. 

Jay set a fire in the pit in Julia's back yard. He tossed the bag of bloody clothing into the flames and he watched it burn as they'd watched the house burn. He watched it till it nearly burned out. If any remnants remained, he doused the smoldering remains with more grill lighting fluid.

Julia came outside in slippers, wrapped in her robe. He put an arm over her shoulder.

"The books, Julia."

"No, not yet." She told him, shaking her head. "I'm still reading them. It fascinates me. He never got to finish mine."

"And he never fucking will." Jay grinned. "Maybe the last chapter in his book can be his own?" Jay suggested.

"Maybe."

"Kids up yet?"

"Sure are." Julia told him. "They're dressed, ready to go."

"Ok. You go get ready. I'll be right in." 

The four of them got on two different buses that took them over an hour away to the prison. They went to the visitor area, stuffed their belongings into a provided locker, then stood in line with the other visitors waiting. Jay usually visited alone, but this morning, Karen's birthday, had them up bright and early on a Sunday in a prison line for visitation. Julia was annoyed that this whole ordeal appeared to be taking up their entire morning and wasn't pleased it would take up possibly their whole day. Traveling over an hour on 2 buses with a one year old was not her idea of a fun morning or an exciting weekend. 

Their group of visitors waited for the first group of visitors to come out of the room. Julia held onto a cranky Tatia, rocking her till she fell asleep on her shoulder. Jay offered to take her, but Julia told him to leave her be. 

As the visitors filed out of the hallway, Tavin passed them. He said hello, said he'd wait for them.

'Great, a whole fucking family reunion'. Julia thought to herself. She hadn't planned on seeing Tavin, hadn't had the chance to mentally prepare herself for their encounter. On the bright side, her relationship with Jayson had solidified since he left. They'd bonded in a way that she and Tavin never could. Jay did for her what Tavin would have never done because the connection was never that strong. A complicated fling, that was all it had been. That is what she told herself. 

Their line of visitors filed down the hall to the visitation room. Karen sat at a table waiting for them. She hadn't seen Karen in years. And with any luck she wouldn't see her for years again. When Jay told her he planned to take the kids to visit Karen, Julia was initially against the idea. The decision ultimately had been Jay's. 

"My baby." Karen said nervously, reaching for Tatia. Julia was reluctant to let her take the sleeping girl from her. As an outsider in their family drama, Julia felt she didn't deserve to touch her daughter, interact with her at all. Julia felt that she ruined everyone she touched. Why should she be allowed to start with an innocent like Tatia. She hadn't held her daughter since she'd birthed her. 'This is so wrong', Julia thought. The mother-daughter bonding didn't last long. Once transfered from Julia to Karen, Tatia roused after 10 minutes or so. She jumped right back to Julia once she realized a stranger was holding her. Julia said nothing through the visit other than hello. She held the baby and listened as Karen caught up with Alex, as she and Jay spoke. Karen hoped to be released sooner than later. She'd had months clean, was in a program inside the prison for offenders, had enrolled in GED classes and planned on taking her test soon. Karen was fiercely optimistic. Maybe she was changing for the better, but Julia wasn't falling for the act she put on. She hadn't been tested yet, hadn't earned anyone's trust. The time for that would eventually arrive. That's when her true colors would come out. 

Before they parted from their short visit, Karen did thank Julia for taking care of her daughter. She was grateful Julia was in Tatia's life. Julia bit her tongue and said 'you're welcome'. 

The finally filed out of the visitation room, head back to their locker for their diaper bag and belongings. She put Tatia down, holding her hand on the way out. Tavin waited outside for them. Cue the second family reunion. They caught the bus back to the station where instead of departing their separate ways, the kids demanded lunch and Tavin joined them at McDonald's before getting the next bus back to Maverick. 

"You're awful quiet today, Red." Tavin observed.

"She doesn't want to be here." Alex said, chewing on his chicken nugget.

"Why not?" Tavin asked.

"She doesn't like my mom." Alex answered.

"Alex, I never said that."Julia told him.

"She was against me bringing the kids to see her." Jay offered. 

"They're her kids. Why not?" 

"Not now, thank you." Julia smiled at Tavin.

"Julia feels like she's Tati's mom. She has separation issues."

"Jayson, I am aware of who her mother is." Julia told him. 

"And you're scared that letting them see her will do what?" Tavin asked.

"I'm on the losing end of this conversation and I choose not to entertain the two of you with an argument about mommy. Maybe the baby doesn't need mommy issues."

"Julia, she was born with them." Tavin shrugged.

"It doesn't have to be that way. Look into your past while I prefer to look into her future."

"Shit, Jules, really." Jay said disappointed. "What's so bad about us?"

"Right now? Nothing." Julia argued. "You want her coming up like you two? I know she's your mom, but I also know what you have told me. I don't like thinking that my girl here may face the same future."

"We wouldn't let that happen to her. I didn't let it happen to him." Jay argued.

"What happened to you two?" Alex asked, pushing away his empty nugget container.

"And we agree to disagree." Julia sighed. "Not here and not now, I told you."

"Jay, I have to take a pee." Alex announced. 

Jay got up from the table and escorted his brother to the bathroom. 

Tavin looked at Julia pensively, "Your girl. You think she's your girl."

"Fuck you, Tavin."

"I didn't mean it to be smart, Red." He explained. "I get where you're coming from. You been taking care of her since she was born. You're trying to protect her. I get it."

"I feel like she's mine and I know she's not. I love her is all. And she deserves something different."

"Julia, I know that. I understand you don't want her in potentially harmful situations. She's got people that will keep her from that. You will keep her from that."

"Yes, I will. And just because I didn't push her through my vagina doesn't mean I love her any less. I have been her mom for a year. And I think that I should have some say. When I'm over ruled because I have no blood connection hurts my fucking feelings." She paused. "It's as much about me as it is about her."

"I miss you, Red." Tavin sighed. "Are you sure there's no way that-."

"I'm sure, Tavin."

"You don't miss me at all, Red? Are you sure?" He reached across the table, touching her hand, Linking his pinkie finger around hers. "Jay told me what you said, when you and him were at Mr G's. That shit wasn't about that stalker of yours, was it?"

Julia thought back to that night in Mr G's shop. 

-"I have been fighting against it. I am trying my hardest. But he's there. He's in my mind all the time. Even though he's away right now, he's still there. I feel him when I move, Jay. I feel him touching me. I feel him on me."

-"He wants me with him. And if it wasn't for you I would be. I'd be with him, doing things with him that blow my mind to think of. He'd have me in his arms, he'd have me close to him. He'd. Have. Me. Every part of me. It's like I am tied to him. It scares me..."

-"You'd give your life for me and I take it for granted. What kind of fucking girl, girlfriend am I, Jayson?"

"He told you about that?" She gasped.

"Yeah, I know you were going through it." He nodded, releasing her pinkie and sliding his hand away from hers. "But it had nothing to do with your stalker, right?" Jay and Alex arrived back to the table before she could answer. Jay, saving her again.

They separated at the bus station when their bus arrived to go home to Maverick. They left Tavin physically, but thoughts of him still lingered in her mind the rest of the way home.

                                                ***           ***           ***           ***

Tavin stood at the spot where the bus had been. He watched it drive away, carrying his family and the girl he felt drawn to. The beautiful red head girl who melted his heart. He pulled his pack of cigarettes from his pocket, lit one then tucked the pack back in his bag. He sat on a bench, waiting for his own bus to arrive, waiting to return to Pittsburgh. Hours on a bus riding in the opposite direction from the girl he wanted so badly. His brother's girl. 

He still sat on the bench an hour later, watching his bus ride away without him. 

                                               ***          ***          ***          ***

Julia went home after returning from  the bus station. She had a pile of homework and had to catch up on all the extra credit her teachers had given her. She'd fallen so far behind this trimester at school and had started to dig out from under the mess she'd created for herself. 

She still sat at the kitchen table working on the lap top and eating pizza when her dad bid her goodbye as he left for work. He hoped it'd be a slow night, hoped he could close the bar early.  He gave her a kiss on her forehead and left. She texted back and forth with Jay while she wrote her paper. One of three she had to complete by the end of the week. 

A message alert beeped on her phone. 

-But it had nothing to do with your stalker, right?- the message read.  Tavin. She ignored the message, placing the phone on her table, and going back to her lap top. A moment later she heard a knock at the front door. She peeked through the kitchen doorway, looking toward her front door.

She opened the door, pulling him inside, giving him a hug. She didn't let him go, hugging him all the way inside her house.

"It had nothing to do with your stalker, right?" He asked again, dropping his backpack and pulling off his coat. She held onto him, backing through the living room to her bedroom. 

Julia started crying as he pulled her pajama bottoms down. She kicked them off as he unzipped his jeans, pushing them below his ass. They lay on her bed, pushing folded clothes and marble notebooks to the floor. He pushed inside her and  she felt sweet release. They made love, only coming up for air and a drink when out of breath and sweaty. 

They lay in the darkness of her room, his hands roaming her body, touching her and rubbing her as they spoke. Her hands exploring his body as well.

"Julia, please don't cut me out of your life."

"I won't." She assured him. "I won't again, Tavin. I swear to you I will not."

"I fucking miss you, talking to you. I been going crazy too, Julia. I never felt like this before with anyone. And I know how things are. But please don't reject me." He whispered, nestling his head into her hair and shoulder.

"I went crazy, Tavin. I lost focus on everything and everyone. I wanted to call you and talk to you. I love your brother though."

"Leave with me, Julia. Now. Pack a bag, take my hand and walk away with me. I need you. I want this all the time."

"I can't fit into your life there, Tav. Where would we live? How would we live?"

"I don't know." 

"I can't leave them. I love them."

"But I love you."

"Tav, please, don't do this to me." She sighed, tears filling her eyes.

"No, I won't. Please don't cry, Red." He asked of her. "That's not why I came here. I wanted to see you happy and smiling. I need you, Red. I can't explain it. I don't wanna explain it. I'll do whatever you ask me to do, ok? However you want this, I'll take it. If you want it all the time, or every once in awhile. I won't push you or force you. But I need to see you. I need you to talk to me and be in my life."

Tavin's fingers penetrated her,  "You can't make a man fall in love and then take it away just like that, just like it never fucking happened." Julia pulled away from him, moved her hips so his fingers were not inside of her. "What's wrong?" 

"Nothing. Stop. Please don't touch me there. Wait a minute."

He sounded like Caleb at that moment, possessive, his fingers forceful. 

"Julia, what did I do? I been touching you there since your clothes came off. I love touching you." He said, but kept his hands away from her like she'd asked. "You love when I touch you."

Julia caught her right state of mind, easing closer to him, spreading her legs apart like they had been. "You're right. I do. Just got a little freaked out for a minute. That's all."

"What's bothering you?"

"I can't, Tavin."

"You can tell me anything, Julia."

"It has to do with my stalker."

"That ass hole. What about him?" He asked.

"Well, he's gone."

"Yeah. I Know . He left after he killed the hooker. You guys told me he killed her. Fuckin psycho."

"Did Jay tell you anything about him since he left? Cause I haven't talked to you."

"Julia, could you stop this and just tell me what you wanna tell me. Jay told me nothing."

Julia started opening up, telling Tavin the story from their date at the Square to the fire.

"So, you got away from him, but you still killed him and burned down the house?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Cause he deserved it."

"Where's the gun and the knife?"

"In the bottom of Shades Lake."

"And the clothes?"

"Burned them."

"The books and the box you took?"

"I have them here."

"Why are you keeping them?"

"I want to read them. Look at them. He documented everything he did to everyone."

"So he has you in those books too?"

"Yeah."

"You need to get rid of them too. Anything that ties you to him."

"No one's missing him, Tav,"

"But if someone found them in here, then what?"

"Then it's found." Julia shrugged. "That may be why I'm saving them. So if we actually wind up getting in trouble, then I can at least make it right for the others that died."

"So Jayson would take the fall for all this?"

"Absolutely not, no. We'd both own up to it. From the beginning we said if and when the time comes, then we would both own up to what we did."

"You're sure there's nothing left behind? No link."

"I can't think of anything, no. And I spend a lot of time thinking about it."

"Who else knows?"

"Just the four of us that were there and you."

"Wow,"  Tavin said. "That's crazy. I'm sorry that happened to you, but what you guys did was just wrong, Julia. You were out and free."

"We feel it was the right thing to do at the time, Tavin. You weren't there."

"He really cut his throat?" Tavin asked, shaking his head.

"I know it's a lot to process, Tav."

"Process? Julia, that's insane."

"It's not like we go around killing random people all the fucking time, Tavin."

"I need to see Jayson." He said, getting up. 

"Wait, you're gonna tell him you know?"

"I said I need to see my brother." He told her sternly.

"He's gonna be pissed at me, Tav, and -"

"No he won't."

"How are you gonna explain why you're here?"

"Because I got off a fucking bus and came to see my brother. I'll tell him you told me in confidence. He knows we talk, Julia."

"I shouldn't have said anything at all." She mumbled, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Julia, stop it." He told her. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes,"

"Cause if you didn't trust me, you wouldn't have even told me, right?" He leaned over her, kissing her forehead. "I love you, too, y'know."

"I know." She nodded, still crying. He left her room and she followed him, pulling her blanket around her. "Tavin, there's...there's...more."

"What, Red? How much more fucked up could this get?"

"Tav, he has...had a truck."

"A truck, like a vehicle?" He asked, pulling on his coat. He put his back pack over his shoulder.

"Jesus Christ, Julia. Did you get rid of that too?"

"Fuck. Tavin, we can't fucking drive."

"You can kill a guy and burn down a house, but you won't move a truck because you don't have a license?"

"No, we can't drive. We don't know how to drive. As in, we never drove anything. As in we'd cause an accident. As in we don't know how to drive."

"Get yourself together. We'll be back. As in you smell like sex, as in your bed smells like sex, as in I spent three hours making you cum."

She laughed. "Like you don't smell like pussy? How about you scrub up before you leave? I'll get the room cleaned up."

Julia went in her room and pulled the black box from beneath the bed. She brought it to the living room and set the box in front of them. She sat next to Jay on the couch and she opened the box. Tavin stood by the door, listening. Julia pulled out the contents. A digital camera with a memory card. Keys. Old family pictures. And a keepsake from each person he'd ever killed, angels and whores alike. He kept very accurate records, describing each trinket and its meaning to the person he'd taken it from. Julia's bandana was still inside the box, she'd refused to place it back in her room with the bear that usually held it. She didn't feel as though it belonged to her anymore. It belonged to one of his victims. She refused to be one of his victims.

She held the keys up. "This is our only fucking problem." 

"What the fuck?" Jay said annoyed.

"It's the only link to him being here."

"Fuck my life." Jay moaned.

"How do you think he got here from Jersey, Jay? Walk? Fly? Bus?"

"Fuck, Julia. Fuck."

"Hey, calm down. I know where the truck is Jay."

"Where is it? How do you know?"

"It's the only vehicle on Fourth Street with Jersey plates." She shrugged, "And the key opens the door."

"I'll take the truck and drive it home, over the Ohio state line. I'll park it somewhere and walk away." Tavin announced.

"No, it's too risky. If you get caught-"

"Caleb drove that fucking truck around with a dead body in it. He drove it all the way here. What's a few more miles? In a city like Pittsburgh or even in Ohio, Jay, anyone could have driven it there and left it. Once it's clean, too, no prints no nothing. Some guy will get his truck back."

"You have a record. If you leave one print, you're screwed." Jay argued. "Jules, why did you tell him all of this? Why did you involve him? You didn't even ask me what I thought-"

"Jay, brother, she's trying to help. She's trying to tie up loose ends." Tavin told him. "Do you even have any idea the amount of jail time you two are facing?"

"I killed him to save her."Jay said defiantly.

"Let's say you get away with that. But the arson? Cause you couldn't make him any more dead than dead."

"They can't prove a fucking thing. Every bit of evidence has been burned. There's no witnesses." Jay said.

"Give me the keys, Red." Tavin held out his hand.

"No, this is crazy." Jay yelled.

"Give him the keys, Red." Tavin pointed at Jay. Julia handed him the keys. "Go get rid of the truck, Jay."

Jay thought quietly. He then tossed the keys to Tavin. 

Jay stood up from the couch. "If he gets caught, it's your fault."

"I don't have a good excuse, Jay. It just came out."

"Why don't you just call the paper and tell them? Or the news? Or CNN?" Jay said angrily.

He began pacing the floor in the living room, then sat in the chair, ran his hands through his hair. He pulled the hair tie from his wrist, pulled his hair back and put it up. He covered his face and leaned back in the chair.

"I wanna run away. For the first time in over a year I wanna disappear. Put some shit in a bag and when I run, I want to leave. I Can't believe this. It's like a bad fucking dream and I just wanna wake the fuck up."

"What did he say to you?"

"What?" He pulled his hands away from his face and looked her in the eye. "Hey, brother. Red says you cut a guy's throat."

"Oh, shit."

"He comes right out with stuff. He doesn't beat around the bush." Jay said annoyed. "How often do you two have conversations? How much does he know about us? Are you like deep and shit with him like you are with me cause that, Julia, that was some pretty private fucking information."

"But he's family."

"Julia, your dad is family. I don't see you telling your fucking dad."

"I thought it'd be ok, Jay."

"I am two houses down, if you need to talk about this. I never fucking sleep. Never fucking sleep. You think I didn't sleep before, I think I sleep even less now.I fucking killed someone, whether that someone deserved it or not. I took a life. And if I have anything to say about it I tell you. I don't get on the phone and tell my brother."

"If I could have got to the gun, I would have done it myself. "

"You were running the opposite direction of the gun, Julia. You were running away. "He reminded her. "When is this going to be over in our minds? I think about it more, not less. Is it ever gonna be easier? Is it ever gonna be not the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night? It's never gonna be over is it?  Killing him only created it. We convinced ourselves that it would be done with his last breath and it's not.  This is only the beginning."

"Don't say that."

"Don't tell me what to say and what not to say. You're the one who gets to have all these 'feelings'. You get to feel whatever you wanna feel and tell people whatever you wanna tell. It's not just your story, Julia. We shared this disaster. We share the blame, we share the guilt." He complained. "What the hell were you thinking telling Tavin? I don't understand it. I just don't get it, Julia. It was none of his business. Now you got him involved. He didn't volunteer for this like I did. He's fucking innocent and you made him just as guilty as the rest of us."

"It wasn't my intention. None of this was my intention, Jayson. We all made choices that night."

"Telling my brother was not a decision I got to make. But he understands. God, he understands, and I felt better after I talked to him."

"What does he understand? How could he possibly understand?"

"Ask him."

"I got a call from Chess tonight. This weekend we need to deal with Hayley."

"What's wrong with Hayley? I talked to Hay today. She's fine."

"She's not fine. None of us is fine, except for Chess. Chess is Chess. He's the only one of us not being eaten alive by this."

Julia was quiet, listening to him talk. He talked himself asleep.

Julia waited till lunch time to call. He never had and she was starting to worry about him. She pressed call and on the 5th ring he answered.

"Red, you owe me one." Tavin mumbled half asleep when he answered his phone.

 "Oh, God, I was scared something happened to you." She said relieved to hear his voice. "It would have been my fault and-"

"I'm fine. You at school?"

"Yeah. I'm so glad to hear your voice."

"Well, find a bathroom and take a pic for me. I got morning wood like you wouldn't believe."

"Well, I do owe you one." She said quietly. "Gimme a few minutes."

"I love you, Red."

"I know, Tav. Thanks so much."

Once she had the pic, she sent it to Tavin with a caption-'can't wait to see you'. For the hell of it, she sent it to Jay too.

Hayley had started to fall apart. She broke down regularly, she cried for no reason. She was a nervous wreck. Chess told Jay he couldn't deal with her anymore. She was paranoid that the cops were going to suddenly kick in the door and take her away in cuffs. Jay saw her everyday at school. She looked fine to him. But as Julia testified, looks can be deceiving. We all walk around appearing fine, but inside is what no one sees. Chess got to see the inside. Even though Hayley swore there was nothing to them other than friendship, they were in a relationship. And when Chess worried, it meant something, cause he usually let stuff roll off him easy.

"They don't know anything." Jay said. "They asked their questions and no one saw anything."

"No one really cares either." Chess shrugged.

"It's all over the news though." Hayley said nervously.

"They think he's a transient. He was up there out of the cold with his space heater that set the place on fucking fire for Christ sake. He was charred beyond recognition. They don't even know who the person was let alone how he properly died." Julia assured her.

"They could be making it up. I saw it on Law and Order. They put out a fake news story to catch the real killer." Hayley added.

"You're over thinking this, Hay." Jay groaned. "Remember, you guys weren't even there that night, ok. Y'all had nothing to do with it."

"But the blood, his head-I keep seeing it in my mind." Hayley told them.

"Hayley, did you kill him?"

"No."

"Did you set the fire?"

"No."

"Then you're fine. Whatever you're feeling is normal I guess. But he was going to kill me. He was going to do it again after me. He did it before me to how many girls? Girls just like you. He tortured girls our age."

"He wasn't feeling any shame or guilt about that, was he?" Chess asked.

"He was a psychopath."Hayley said. "I'm not. That's the difference. He was incapable of feeling anything. But I am capable."

"Had he targeted you would you be feeling the same way?" Julia asked, annoyed. "You woulda died there. You woulda given up and just taken it."

"No. I would have fought him, too." Hayley cried.

"Well, you weren't the one he dragged down the street to meet your maker.  You weren't the one he hit or held a gun to, were you? So you can take your guilt for that fucking loser and shove it."

"But the dreams, I can't sleep."

"You think you're the only one having a nightmare? Try living one. I see him in my dreams and I think about him too. I feel him on me, touching me. You have a choice, you come out stronger or you come out weaker."

Julia was angry and annoyed. Hayley was the weak link in their chain. There always had to be one person that starts to falter. And of all people it was Hayley. Julia left the living room and went outside. She'd said everything she could think of to release Hayley from any kind of blame. She and Jay would take full responsibility if the time came.

Hayley didn't trust that and Julia was baffled at the idea of her shame and dissent. Did she just need to talk it out or did she need more? Hayley not only worried for herself , she worried for all of them. Her doubts and her fears at that time were irrational. There was no rational in anything that had happened over the last few months.

"Jules, she's just scared. She'll come around. Don't worry about her ok?"

"She's making what happened to me irrelevant. I don't take that lightly Jayson. She saw me that night. I remember what was going through my head. I had bruises on me and marks around my wrists and ankles. There's no doubt in my mind what my fate would have been. I have been reading those diaries and I know what he would have done. I feel no guilt and I feel no shame." Julia told him, her body shuddering at the memories she drudged up. "I don't stop thinking about it. It's in my head all the time. I have gone over it 100 times and each time I do I feel I did the right thing. We made the right choices. Maybe the fire was a little overboard, but I was not thinking normally."

"I wanted to kill him from day one." He added. "I am with you 100% on this, babe."

"He fucking violated me...not any of you, he violated me."

"But who can she talk to about this? No one. It's just us. So when she needs to get that shit outta her head, we need to listen. If we turn our back on her, get angry and start lashing out at her, she'll turn on us. I don't want that and neither do you."

"But it hurts Jay. I am trying to see it from her side, but I am biased." Julia shrugged. "That night I asked if we were on the same page, all of us. And we all answered yes. We all agreed."

"Maybe if she saw the notebooks? You won't even show them to me. Would it be so bad if-"

"It's evil, Jay. The pictures alone...it's mind boggling."

"There's pictures?"

Julia took him by the hand and led him back inside. He sat in his spot on the floor at the coffee table as Julia retrieved the notebooks from her room.  She placed them in front of everyone and sat down next to Hayley. Julia opened the one specific diary to Amanda.

"He buried her near the cabin. I'm not sure where exactly. Her name was Amanda Gallagher and she was from Maryland. She was a Christian. She led a simple life, catholic school, and devoted her time to her church. She led an abstinence group, a prayer group for Christ sakes. When she wasn't at the church, she worked with the homeless, feeding them or helping cloth them. That's where he found her. He was in line at the food kitchen, waiting to be served. He started a conversation with her about being down on his luck, so she invited her to the church to get closer to God. Amanda's body was in the truck when he followed us from the rest stop to the cabin. He was in those woods, watched me and Jay fuck in the woods. He watched us overnight there and he stole the pink bandana I wore it in my hair that day. He was that close to us." Julia paused to turn a page in the book. "These are her pictures." Julia said, her voice sad and a tear fell on the page as she turned it. "Her alive. Her with him. She's tied up. She's scared and crying. She begged to be let go. And she prayed while he raped her. He followed her first. Pictures of her at church, with her abstinence group. She was a virgin. That's her nude, he posed her in all kinds of positions." Julia said, pointing at the pictures he'd taped to the pages of the marble notebook. "When he didn't have a victim with him, he jerked off to these pictures. These girls are his angels. He releases them from earth, meaning he kills them. That's how they become his angels."

Julia flipped a few pages ahead, through the pictures of Angel Amanda touching herself, Amanda with his dick in her mouth. The last picture was of Amanda lifeless and laying in his bed. "He always breaks their necks. Then he 'makes love' to them after they're dead."

Julia skipped to Susie-Q. They were familiar with Susie's story. "She wasn't an angel. She was a whore, so she's separate. A man has needs. And she was simply there to serve those needs until he was done with her. She even tried to go along with his needs, playing along with what he wanted. Didn't work out though."

"Angel Julia. My pictures. Me and Jay. Me and Tatia. At the square that day when I saw him. He'd been following me for awhile. The whole time he was across the street. He liked taking pictures of me and Jay. Us, making out. Us, holding hands.  When you think no one's looking...Me, in my room. I must have let my blind up that night...I was sleeping. Me in my robe after my shower. Me and Jay having sex."

Julia flipped through some of the handwritten pages, he documented what she did and when and with whom.

"After he killed Susie he went to Jersey. He had to get away from here. Too many cops asking questions. While in Jersey, he killed again, dumped her at the beach." Julia slid away from the notebooks and the coffee table. She crawled across the floor to Jay, sitting in his lap. The three of them scanned the books, reading and looking at pictures. The silence was deafening. Every once in awhile she heard a gasp or someone would say 'ugh', 'oh, my God'. They each took a personal tour through Caleb Downing's depraved mind.

Julia collected all the notebooks and returned them to her room. They looked mortified.

"I know it's a lot to take in." She said, understanding what they couldn't imagine. Hayley curled herself up around Chess and cried. Julia said nothing more. Let her cry. Let her be. The girls in Caleb's notebook's deserved tears. They deserved to have someone think about them and mourn them. Hayley needed to mourn them, his victims, his angels instead of the man that dealt their fate.