Within two weeks the case had stalled. The leads had all been followed and the story had come together in pieces to make a picture of the murderer-stalker Caleb Downing. However Caleb Downing had successfully eluded capture and the police search had come up empty. No sightings had been called in and that led the officers to believe that he'd left town. He'd packed up and ran, which was good news. The bad news was they didn't know where to look next.
"Until the next body turns up, right?" Julia pointed out.
"As long as that body isn't yours, Julia, and he stays gone.."
"But the next person could be someone else's mom or daughter."
"I know, but it won't be you."
She and Jay stood in line at the prison, a long line of mothers, fathers, boyfriends, children, and siblings that waited for a half hour visitation with their prisoner. Jay signed his name and was taken behind the desk to a bathroom where he was lightly searched, pockets and shoes and socks. A wand had been swiped over and around him. He was deemed clear and then redressed quickly.
Julia waited in the chairs provided in the seating area. She didn't want to go see his mother. She didn't have anything to say to his mother. It seemed like he was inside forever.
Jay was led down the cold hallway that reminded him of the hall to the cafeteria at Mav West. Fluorescent lighting and an echo of voices from the visitors room. The guard led them to the door, unlocked it and let them all inside. Jay sat at a table in the back and waited for Karen. She appeared after five minutes, came out wearing a plain blue uniform. Her long brown hair was pulled up in a pony tail. She'd put on a few pounds, wasn't so rail thin as in the past. Her color was good and her arms lacked tracks. She was sober. This was one of the few times he'd interacted with her where she was not under the influence.
He stood up and let her hug him, "My Jay." She cried. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to see you." He answered.
"This is such a surprise, Jayson. I miss you so much. I write to you and you never write back."
"Yeah, mom, I know. I'm a little busy with your kids and school and work and life." He told her annoyed.
"I'm sorry, Jayson. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I take full responsibility for it. This is my doing, Jayson."
"I know that." He said, relieved at least that she seemed to know that he was overwhelmed.
"I got the pictures that you sent. Tatia's getting so big. And Alex is just...so smart and so grown. He doesn't look like a baby anymore. He looks like a boy. Does he ever ask for me?"
"In the beginning, he asked where you went. He knows where you are, but he won't understand why so I didn't tell him. Tatia doesn't know who you are. She thinks Julia is her mom."
"The redhead from down the block?"
"Yeah, she's my girlriend now."
"You love her or just fuck her?"
He rolled his eyes. A statement typical of his mother. He answered after thinking about it for a minute, "Both. I love her and I fuck her."
"Don't get her pregnant."
"We take care of ourselves." He said. Jay explained in short the stalker-murderer psychopath ordeal they went through, the dead hooker, the addict that was Susie. "I want to know if you have changed at all. I wanted to see." He told her.
"I have, Jayson. I go to meetings regularly. I am changing my life in here."
"You say it, but I wanted to see it." He argued. "It sounds good, the way you say it, but I don't trust you."
"Do you miss me?"
"No." he answered quickly. "But that one dead hooker made me think about you. She had two kids. She's dead, they'll live without her the rest of their lives. You're alive. Will you live the rest of your life without your kids?"
"I don't want to, Jayson. That's why I'm in here taking this seriously. I want more for me and you guys." She paused. "I have a long way to go. I doubt I will ever get to be your mom. Shit, by the time I get outta here, you could be an adult. But till that day, I'm trying. Trying is all I can do. I can't make any promises and I can't take back anything the way you were brought up. I want Alex and Tatia to be brought up different than you and Tavin."
"They are, because I am busting my ass doing it. It's not easy either. There are days I wanna give up, but I can't."
"Where did you come from? I can't believe you didn't turn out a hundred times worse. I am so grateful you got a good head on you and you're smart. You are a good kid, Jayson."
"Where is my brother?"
"Tavin's in Pittsburgh. A good foster family. He's trouble sometimes, but he's in counseling. He's off probation." She answered.
"I want his address, do you got a number for him?" Jay asked. "Why Pittsburgh?"
"That's where they picked him up after he ran away from the last foster family. He got in trouble there, went in the system there." She paused, "I'll get you his address. I know his cell number."
"What is it?"
"No pen and no paper."
"I will remember it."
"How'd it go?"
"Good." He answered. "Can I have my phone?"
Julia rummaged through her backpack and found it for him. Jay dialed the number.
He got the voicemail. "Call me back. It's your brother."
"Tavin's number?"
"Yeah. I got what I came for, Julia. And it's too soon to say, but she looks good. She says the right things, but I don't trust her."
"What did she say?"
"She said I don't have to."
Jay lay next to Julia in the darkness of her room. He was so comfortable and at peace, he never wanted to leave that time and place. His head was light, his brain floating. He leaned back against the wall, took another drink from the orange juice laced with vodka. He wasn't completely drunk, but he felt good. All his thoughts and problems and worries drifted away and he was completely loose. He felt good.
"I love her and I fuck her." He thought, taking another drink.
His phone vibrated on the nightstand. He picked it up, looking at the screen.
"Bro," the screen read. "Where you at?"
Jay dialed Tavin's number. He wanted to hear his voice. He wanted to talk to him. It had been too long.
"Jayson, what's up? How you doing?"
"I'm good. I missed you is all. I saw mommy. She gave me your number."
"Damn, bro. It's been a long time. Where are you?"
"In bed. Lit the fuck up."
"Man, I wish. I'm sober as fuck. Gotta be." He said, "I mean where are you living? Last I heard you were at Aunt Sandy's."
"With grand mom. I got Alex and Tatia with me."
"You seriously living with that crazy bitch."
"I make it work."
Julia listened as Jay and Tavin had a long conversation. They talked about everything and everyone. Like they had never stopped seeing or talking to each other.
"You and little red, huh. I guess she grew up. I still see that little freckled kid with that Ronald McDonald hair following us around. We used to play in her yard. Her mom used to feed us."
"Yeah, Rose made good food. We were always starving, remember?"
"I go see mom sometimes. I'll let you know when we go next time. I can see you there. Maybe stay the weekend or something. I'll tell my foster parents, see what they say."
"Cool. Man, it's been too long."
"Is he on face book, Jay?" Julia asked. "Everyone has a facebook."
He was under a different name on face book, he'd made the page when he didn't want to be Tavin Keller anymore. His Face book name was Stuart Little.
Presents under the tree. The kids smiling faces. Talk of Santa Claus and Rudolph and Frosty. Julia put the kids in matching pajamas and they were tucked into bed with excitement. After they were surely sleeping, Jay went to Julia's and got the bicycle, setting it next to the tree. It was all that Alex had wanted. Tatia had pink ride on toy that she could lift the seat and put toys inside. It looked like a pink cop car.
Julia and Jay sat on the sofa looking at the flashing 6 foot tree that the kids helped decorate. Ornaments scattered around the bottom of the tree because Tatia kept pulling them off. She had tucked ornaments everywhere, her favorites she carried with her around the house in an old purse.
"I love that baby." Julia said, pulling an ornament from beneath her butt. She tossed it under the tree with the rest of them.
"She's pretty great. And funny. Had to take her purse to bed with her."
"She makes me laugh." Julia added. "What an awful month this has been. I'm glad it's over, Jay."
"Me too. Tired of sitting around wondering what's gonna happen next."
"Waiting for the killer to kill me or us."
"How does someone get so fucking twisted?" Jay thought a moment,
"But what makes a person cross the line? I mean, what makes a guy see some random girl in a rest stop, then follow her home and stalk her?"
"You don't think I wonder what it was about me of all people that caught his attention?"
"I would kill him, Julia. I would cut him into a million pieces, Julia. I swear I would." Jay shrugged. "That hooker needs justice. Whoever else he killed needs justice. "
"But why would you be the one to give it to him. I could understand if you were protecting me, or yourself, but to just up and kill someone would take you to the same level of depravity, Jay."
"Well call me a deviant then. If I see him I'm taking him out."
"Ok, Jay. Can we talk about something else?"
"It still worries you. I don't like he tried to take you. " Jay said. He placed his hand on her knee. "The thoughts that were going through my head when I thought you were in that truck and I couldn't get to you. It was like insanity. You want a reason to cross over from not being a killer to being one, then there it is. I wish you wouldn't take this so lightly." He cautioned her. "If you didn't get out of that hoodie..."
"Jay, I have been taking this seriously." She got up and straddled his lap. "Can we talk about something else?" She kissed him. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close to him.
"You're all I have. What happens to me if you're gone? I'd lose it, Julia. I'd fucking lose my mind."
"Jay, I swear I am not going anywhere. I am always gonna be here for you."
They soon separated, wrapped the last of the kids' gifts. He smiled when they were done, knowing that his brother and sister would be happy in the morning. That's what mattered. Their memories would be better than his, their memories would have happiness and fun and surprise like they should. They'd be able to look back in a few years and not cringe at the thought of no one loving them enough to make a holiday special.
Jay turned the lights down as Julia finished placing the rest of the gifts beneath the tree. He took her hand and led her to his room, closing the door behind him. He flicked on the space heater. Jay took his radio down off the shelf, removed the battery door on the back, and pulled out a sandwich bag that contained the weed. For someone who didn't smoke, he rolled like he did. "I'm gonna spend the whole week high."
"The whole holiday? Why?"
Jay pulled on his hoodie, opened the porch door and sat on the back steps. Julia wrapped in a throw blanket and joined him.
"Not a fan of holidays." He shrugged, lighting the joint, taking a long hit. He handed it to Julia.
"I am. But after what we been through, this doesn't sound like a bad idea." Julia said, taking a long drag. After a couple hits, Julia went inside and left him finish the joint.
"Babe, you wanna stay here tonight." He called from outside.
Julia turned on the TV, then the Xbox. "Umm, yeah I guess so." She agreed, feeling the dry mouth start. She hated dry mouth. She cracked open her water bottle, downing half of it. It still didn't help. She set his gift on top of the TV, then went to get some chips from the kitchen.
"Babe, this is fucking awesome." He smiled, holding his present. He kissed her on her cheek. "Thank you!"
Julia tossed the bag of chips on his bed where he sat with his new Call Of Duty game and enough Xbox points for a gold membership. She knelt in front of him, unbuttoning his jeans.
"You're welcome." She smiled as he lifted a bit off the bed. She shimmied his jeans down, exposing him. "I'm gonna do this before you get lost in that game."
"I ain't stoppin' you." He smiled, setting the game down. He placed his hands on her head, guiding her. "Best gift ever."
Welcome to New Jersey, he thought, as he crossed the Walt Whitman Bridge out of Philadelphia. He'd never been to Jersey. First time for everything. He turned up the radio, blaring the WHO.
The road past in a blur. The view out of the bus window was cold and rainy, ice pellets plinked at the window. The sun had started to set, darkness on the road ahead. It had been a long ride, hours of miles had passed. He had never been so sick of sitting in one seat. The bus pulled into the station, he pulled his bag from beneath his seat. He found a bus schedule, mapping his route to Maverick. 2 more bus routes and he'd be home, rather, the place he used to call home. Since the phone call last week, the face book chats he'd had with Julia ,and the texting he had with his brother , he couldn't get his hometown and his family out of his head. Like Jay said, it had been too long. He spent the last couple years thinking about his little brother, where he'd left him. He checked out, leaving and swearing he'd never come back. He spent months on the streets, living high to high and meal to meal. He got nabbed for assault, which had been self defense, but he still paid for that. Having spent a few months in juvenile detention, going on probation and getting treatment for his addictions and hashing out his past had changed him. He didn't know whether his trip home would be a test of will or to check on his brothers or to meet his sister. From the outside his life seemed good, but was it really that way on the inside?
The local bus left him off at the corner, Mr G's sandwich shop was closing. He looked through the window. He tried the knob, but the door was locked. Jay was sweeping up the floor, his ear buds were in. He knocked on the door, but he didn't hear him. He banged on the door. He still didn't hear him. He didn't have much of a wait, so he stood out front, smoking a cigarette. He felt nervous. It had been so long. How would he react? He should have called first, he thought. Soon the store's lights dimmed, Jay was coming out, locking the door behind him.
"Hey, Jayson."
Jay stood still, staring at the tall thin guy standing in front of him. He wore a heavy coat and carried a duffel bag.
"Oh, shit." Jay said, frozen. He thought he was seeing things. "Tav...Tavin."
Jay rushed to him, grabbing him, hugging him. He didn't want to let go. He held onto him like he was five again, for dear life. He could breathe again. He could finally breathe again.
Jay and Tavin walked to Julia's house. The house was lit up bright, the tree in the window twinkling. People walked past the window, music played loudly. Tatia danced in front of the TV. The house inside was warm, filled with their friends. There were snacks in the kitchen and hoagies cut in pieces on the table. The New Years celebration was underway.
Tavin joined the party, but it was tough. There was enough alcohol and pot there to tempt him. Usually he didn't put himself in a tempting situation, but there were times it was impossible. He wanted to mentor his brother, caution him and his friends, but he held back. Not the time or the place.
"Hey, this is a surprise!" Julia grinned, giving him a hug. "I thought you were coming next month, Tavin."
" I changed my mind."
"Wow, cool. I'm glad you're here." She said. "Let me get you something to drink."
He followed Julia in the kitchen. She handed him a coke from the fridge. He opened it, "Thanks."
"How long are you staying?" She asked.
""I'm going back Sunday night. If that's cool with you guys. I guess my grandmother would be the one to talk to."
"Well, if she has a problem with it you can crash here." Julia offered. "My dad won't have a problem with it."
Kissable lips...Julia hummed in her brain. She'd never thought of anyone else as worth kissing other than Jay. Tavin was tall and fit, olive skin. Deep brown eyes. His face was thin and long with thin lips encased in a goatee. She noticed long and thin fingers, nails trimmed not bitten, a tattoo above his tight thumb, a 'K'. Veins that crept up his hands into his arms, they lay so close to the skin. Fat, blue veins. Even though they were bonded by blood, on the surface he and Jay looked nothing alike. A handsome kid, 17, soft spoken and funny. He was totally chill. Julia had reconnected with him, conversing on face book, knew his story, knew he was in recovery.
Cass came into the kitchen, having just arrived to the party. Still in her work uniform, She gave Julia a hug, having just arrived to the house. "Happy New Year, Babe." She said, dropping her backpack on the floor next to her. She opened the fridge, pulling out a coke for herself. "I need a drink. I need to get changed outta this fucking uniform too."
"Happy New Year, Cass. Thanks for coming."
"Hey, who's he?" Cass asked, looking at the unknown guy in the kitchen.
"I'm Jayson's brother." He answered.
"Well, hi Jayson's brother." She said. "Got a name? I'm Cassidy."
"Tavin." he answered.
"That's different. Never heard that name before. But I remember Jay saying something about a brother." She paused, picking up her bag. "Julia, come show me where the bathroom is again."
"The bathroom's still in the same place, Cass."
"Remind me."
Cass led her out of the kitchen to the bathroom. She pulled her inside and locked the door behind them. She started pulling off her uniform, stripping down to her underwear. "You told me about the brother, but you did not tell me how freaking hot he is." She pulled her skinny jeans over her wide hips, then her tee over her head. She started touching up her makeup. "He's adorable."
"He's a nice guy, Cass." She said, picking up the pink glitter lip gloss and smoothing it over her lips. "He's got totally kissable lips."
"Damn right he does."
Cass turned on her innate charm, chatting up Tavin. From a distance it seemed Tavin wasn't interested in her, but he hung out nonetheless. He caught up with his cousins and played with Alex and Tatia till they were worn out and passed out. Alex slept on the couch and Tatia had fallen asleep on his chest. For him, the visit was about reconnecting with his family. Cass hadn't given up on him, but she let him have his family time.
"Hey, come lay her down." Julia told him. She nudged Alex, arousing him a bit then led him to her room. Tavin followed, setting Tatia in her pack n' play. She tucked Alex into her bed "Go back to sleep, little guy." Alex rolled over, nestling into her pillows. Her room was cramped with the pack n play inside, just enough room to put the kids in bed.
"You take care of them a lot."
"Yeah," Julia answered, closing her bedroom door behind them in the hall. "They're my babes. I love them."
"Is Jayson mad? Does he hate me for leaving?"
"Jay doesn't think that at all, Tavin. He misses you." Julia answered, taking his hand. "Come with me, let's find him. You guys need to talk to each other."
They found him in the back yard with Chess and Andy, smoking weed. Julia wondered just how mad Ellen was going to be.
"Hey, guys, Chess and Andy. Inside." She ordered.
Tavin glided down the steps to his brother. The others came inside.
Jay offered the joint to Tavin. He put his hand up, "No, Jay. I'm serious about recovery."
"Sorry, forgot." He said.
"Jayson, listen, I am sorry I left you." He started, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out his cigarettes, lit one. "My head was fucked up."
"My head's fucked up."
"I was high on drugs, I was following her footsteps. I thought I went out looking for something, but all I did was run away, get in trouble, to avoid what you're doing right now. The trap, the responsibility. I failed. I failed you and them, us."
"I don't blame you. You did what you had to do."
"I regret the decisions I made, Jayson. I wish I could take them back, but I can't."
"There were plenty of times I wanted to run. Know what keeps me here? Why I don't throw it all away and walk?"
"What?"
"Her." Jay pointed to the house. She stood in the kitchen talking to Andy, laughing, her red hair she flipped back over her shoulder." She saved me."
"You're lucky." Tavin said. " I had to save myself."
"We do it together, a team. All the problems and all the stress and all the bitching that grandmom does, I can go to Julia and she makes all of it disappear."
Bodies littered the floor in the living room. Hayley and Chess were the only ones awake and they were making out on the couch. Jay slept like a baby curled up on the floor in front of the TV. Tavin sat in the kitchen with Julia while she cleaned up from the party. He told her about their conversation, how Jay had described her. "I think you're his drug of choice." Tavin told her.
"We all have our vices." Julia shrugged. She drank down the rest of her wine cooler. She felt buzzed, but not drunk. She tossed the bottle in the trash bag. She opened the last one, taking a drink.
"Is he yours?"
"I'd say so."
She tied up the last of the trash bags, threw on her sweater and head outback. He followed her with two bags and then sat on the back steps to smoke. Julia sat next to him. He offered her a cigarette, which she declined.
"Do you got someone back in Pittsburgh?"
"No one serious. I was seeing this girl named Callie, but it didn't work out."
"Why not?"
"She was a psycho bitch." He answered. "She used to hit me if I even looked at another girl. She used to go through my stuff, my phone. She attacked a girl at group and I was talking to her. A total head case."
"Like I don't know about head cases." Julia laughed. "Lucky you got away from that one."
"Yeah. I agree." He laughed. "Hey, I-uh-think you're a great girl, Julia. You really grew up." He picked up her hand in his and held it.
Julia turned her body to face him, looking up at him kind of puzzled. She squeezed his hand tighter in hers and he leaned towards her.
"Are you going to kiss me, Tavin?"
"Would you like that, Julia?"
His brown eyes stared deeply into hers, his hand moved to her waist, pulling her body up to his. He waited for an answer. He inhaled her scent, filtering out the wine cooler. His eyes focused on hers, hypnotizing her. It has to be the alcohol, she thought, but she didn't want to look away.
"Tavin, I... I love your brother." She whispered.
"You keep saying that. But you been hanging around me all night. And I like it, Julia." He whispered back at her. "Am I wrong? You been sending me these signals. You wanted to take Cassie's head off when she moved up on me."
Julia was pressed against him. She was frozen, couldn't move, couldn't think. His hand moved from her waist to her ass, then up her back beneath her sweat shirt. We're going too far, she thought.
"I've never been with anyone else." She whispered. "I never kissed anyone else."
"There's a first time, Julia, for everything."
Their lips barely touched when they heard light footsteps on the kitchen floor. They separated immediately. Him, smoking his cigarette and her, drinking her wine cooler.
"Hey, whatcha doing guys?" Hayley asked. "Got the door open. We're freezing in here."
"Talking," Julia answered almost too quickly, taking a drink from her bottle.
"Well, come talk inside, Julia." Hayley insisted. "It's warmer in here. With us."
Hayley turned from the doorway and left the kitchen, leaving the door open. Julia stood up and went inside. Hayley grabbed her when she entered the living room.
"I don't know what you two were doing or thinking about doing, but y'all looked awful cozy out there."
"Thanks, Hayley. Thanks so much." Julia said relieved that she'd removed her from a situation that was obviously going to escalate.
"Get over there with your boy." Hayley seethed, giving her a push toward Jay. "Think about what you got."
